Fighting Contempt in Relationships
This is the third in a series of follow-up blogs exploring practical strategies to combat the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships. In our original post, "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Relationship Patterns That Damage Trust," we identified criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as destructive communication patterns that erode connection and intimacy. After exploring criticism and defensiveness, we now address contempt, which Dr. John Gottman identifies as the single greatest predictor of relationship failure. In this article, you'll learn how to recognize contempt in your interactions and replace it with appreciation, respect, and intentional connection that strengthens your bond.
In today's busy world, nurturing a marriage requires intention and care. Couples often face distractions and challenges that can cause distance, but with effort, marriage can become a source of deep joy and connection.
You may have seen something like this before: a couple sitting together, and one partner shows affection, resting a head on a shoulder, offering quiet companionship, while the other was absorbed in a device, unaware of the love beside them. Seeing interactions like this in our daily lives can remind us how easy it is to miss moments that strengthen connection.
A fulfilling marriage thrives when both people appreciate, communicate, and reflect together while guarding against harmful attitudes like contempt.
Appreciate your partner often. Simple words like "thank you" and "I love you" build respect and remind each other of the good in your relationship. Gratitude helps prevent negativity from creeping in.
Communicate honestly and openly. Take time to listen deeply and share your feelings without blame or sarcasm. Contempt, expressing disgust, mocking, condescending tones, or disrespect, can poison a marriage faster than almost anything else. When you feel frustrated, focus on expressing your needs kindly rather than resorting to criticism or eye-rolling.
Contemplate your relationship regularly. Reflect on your shared goals and challenges. This mindfulness helps keep your bond strong and focused on what truly matters.
Marriage is about partnership, two whole people choosing to support, respect, and love each other through life's ups and downs. It's easy to take each other for granted, but nurturing your relationship daily keeps the connection meaningful.
For example,
If you say, "You're so over dramatic", say instead, "I see this is really upsetting you. Let's figure out what you need."
If you say, "Whatever, it doesn't matter," say instead, "This is important to me. Can we focus on it together?"
If you interrupt with "No, you are wrong," try instead to say "I hear your point, Here's how I see it..."
If you bring up past faults, "Remember when you..." try saying instead, "Right now, I'd like to focus on how we can make things better."
If you say, "You never do anything right," say instead, "I appreciate how much effort you put in, and I think we can still improve on this."
Remember, the effort you invest in your marriage enriches not only your lives but also those around you. Treat your partnership as your most important commitment, and you'll build a lasting, joyful connection.
Gottman, J. M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton & Company.https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2006/04/nurturing-marriage?lang=eng
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