Fighting Criticism in Relationships
This is the first in a series of follow-up blogs exploring practical strategies to combat the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships. In our previous post, "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Relationship Patterns That Damage Trust," we identified criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as destructive communication patterns that erode connection and intimacy. Now, we're taking a deeper dive into each horseman, starting with criticism. In this article, you'll learn how to recognize criticism in your relationship and discover actionable tools to replace blame with empathy, fostering stronger emotional safety and lasting connection.
In To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus Finch teaches his children a timeless lesson: "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it."
This reminder applies to all relationships. Everyone carries hidden struggles, challenges we can't always see. Judging from the outside often misses the deeper truth of someone's effort and strength. Instead of criticism, couples can choose empathy to create connection, offer encouragement, and support each other through life's daily demands.
A key way to fight criticism is in how couples communicate, especially during conflict. If something's bothering you, speak up, but do it with kindness. Rather than criticizing, use a gentle start-up: express how you feel and what you need without blame.
Instead of: "You never help with the dishes." Try: "I'm feeling overwhelmed. Could you help clean up the kitchen tonight?"
Gentle start-ups use "I" statements and focus on positive needs. This approach fosters understanding instead of defensiveness and strengthens emotional safety.
Before addressing a concern, ask yourself:
What am I feeling?
What do I need from my partner?
At the heart of every strong relationship is empathy, seeing each other fully, listening with care, and choosing connection over criticism. None of us are perfect, but we can help each other get through the day with a little more kindness.
Gottman, J. M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton & Company.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.
