Fighting Stonewalling in Relationships
This is the fourth and final blog in a series of follow-up blogs exploring practical strategies to combat the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships. In our original post, "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Relationship Patterns That Damage Trust," we identified criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as destructive communication patterns that erode connection and intimacy. After addressing criticism, defensiveness, and contempt, we now explore stonewalling, the pattern of emotional withdrawal that leaves partners feeling isolated and disconnected. In this article, you'll discover how self-awareness and physiological self-soothing can help you break the cycle of shutdown and create space for reconnection and growth.
When I think of stonewalling, my mind goes to Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice. Darcy often shuts down emotionally, especially when he's uncomfortable or feels vulnerable. In early interactions with Elizabeth Bennet, he appears cold, aloof, and even rude, signs of emotional withdrawal and self-protection. Rigid silence was used to avoid facing the emotions surrounding rejection of his proposal, and various other thoughts he had. It is possible you have felt so overwhelmed by a conversation that you avoid a person, walk away, or cannot think of anything to say at all. What happens internally in stonewalling is more relatable than meets the eye.
One key challenge during difficult interactions between couples is emotional flooding, the feeling of being so overwhelmed that communication shuts down. Most humans have experienced this. Emotional flooding can lead to stonewalling: withdrawing, going silent, or disconnecting. It's a defense mechanism, but it often deepens the sense of isolation and stalls a couple's ability to connect.
Fighting stonewalling looks like self-awareness and physiological self-soothing. When emotions run high, it's essential to communicate that you are overwhelmed (A common trick couples use is having a "safe" word that both know someone is overwhelmed and needs a break, such as "FLOODED"), then pause and take a break. Doing something calming, like reading, walking, listening to music, or simply breathing deeply, can bring the body back to a balanced state.
Only then is it possible to re-engage with others in a constructive way. Progress doesn't require perfection, just direction. Choosing connection over avoidance, participation over withdrawal, and patience over self-pity builds inner strength. If you are the partner who is waiting for the other to be ready to re-engage, it's easy to feel like you are held hostage by someone else's overwhelm. Try to think of this waiting time differently. Your relationship means a lot to you. You are not powerless; you are in a process. With time, compassion, and clarity, what feels like a pause can become the foundation for long-term growth and reconnection, not just with others, but with oneself.
Gottman, J. M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton & Company.https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1988/04/while-they-are-waiting?lang=eng
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.
