Fighting Defensiveness in Relationships
This is the second in a series of follow-up blogs exploring practical strategies to combat the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships. In our previous post, "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Relationship Patterns That Damage Trust," we identified criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as destructive communication patterns that erode connection and intimacy. After addressing criticism in our first follow-up, we now turn to defensiveness, a natural but harmful response that can shut down communication and prevent growth. In this article, you'll discover how taking responsibility, even for small parts of a problem, can transform conflict into collaboration and strengthen your partnership.
A man had been assigned to organize a banquet. He worked hard, made decisions, and felt everything was under control. When his wife came by to check things over, she noticed something missing and gently asked, "What are you using for centerpieces?"
Caught off guard, he defensively responded, "Butter, squares of butter!"
Though humorous, this moment illustrates something deeper: the human tendency toward defensiveness, especially when we feel our efforts are being questioned. In relationships, defensiveness often shows up as self-protection: denying responsibility, making excuses, or shifting blame. While it may feel like we're standing up for ourselves, it usually has the opposite effect. According to Dr. John Gottman, defensiveness is one of the key behaviors that can erode connection and trust in relationships over time.
The antidote? Taking responsibility, even for a small part of the problem. Instead of reacting with sarcasm or blame, imagine if the man had said, "You're right, I didn't think about centerpieces. Got any ideas?" That small shift opens the door for collaboration, reduces tension, and builds emotional safety.
In life and in relationships, we have agency, the ability to choose how we respond. But with that choice comes accountability. When we own our part, even when it's uncomfortable, we communicate respect and maturity. We show our partners that we're willing to grow and be there for them, rather than protect our egos.
As Gottman teaches, strong relationships aren't built on perfection, they're built on the willingness to repair. And repair begins with responsibility.
So, when the urge to defend rises, pause. Listen. Consider the message behind the words. And choose the path that leads not just to being "right," but to being connected.
Gottman, J. M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton & Company.
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