4 Things That Therapy Is Not
Has it become more and more clear that you are having experiences that interfere with your comfort and routine? Have you decided to look into seeing a therapist? If so, you make the appointment, you show up for the session, and you find yourself unsure of what to think about your first session.
You may have walked in with a “can-do” mindset saying, “I am gonna tell the therapist what is going on, they are gonna tell me what to do, and I will be free of the problem in 3 or 4 sessions, tops!” (I’m not gonna lie, that does happen sometimes).
However, now you are walking away from your first therapy session, trying to wrap your head around words (process, explore, self inventory, etc.) and wondering why you talked about stuff unconnected to the reason why you went in the first place. You realize this looks very different from what you expected, and you are considering calling it quits, even before you get started. You might say, “I don’t think therapy is for me. It was weird. It didn’t even do anything for me.”
You are not alone if you can relate to a scenario like this. It’s not uncommon for someone who desires to get help, to find “some reason” to walk away before healing work can take root. The word for this is self-sabotage. Self-sabotage is often driven by underlying beliefs about your ability to succeed or negative beliefs about your worth (5). The process one endures to decide to give therapy a try is hard all on its own. Add self-doubt and negative self-talk and the experience can be very easy to abandon.
Expectations can play a big role in our perspective of a first therapy session. There are well written articles about what therapy is and how to make it great, including this one by Shahna Durksen, here (4). Check it out, but of equal value is to know what therapy is not.
Therapy is not....
1- ...a burrito.
We cannot “try it once,” believe we have experienced all it has to offer, and then claim the benefits without the work. Hasty remedies are appealing, but therapy is not a quick fix. Why? Once you start working on something, it becomes clear that when it comes to your story, there is more than meets the eye. There are no promises in therapy because each situation is unique. Your process will require its own set of custom fit skills and tools to reach your goals. This means you put in a lot of your own time and energy to do encouraged activities, reflection, and practicing learned skills. (1) (3)
2- … a friendship.
Genuine care and respect exists in therapeutic relationships because it is a protected space that focuses on you and your needs. Feeling close to someone you confide in is normal. That closeness and focus is part of the reason therapy can help you find healing. Healthy boundaries between you and your therapist allows for distractions to be minimal. It's a space where you don’t have to worry about what the therapist’s personal opinion is, because it doesn’t matter. All that matters is you, your thoughts, and your emotions, so you can align yourself with your values and set achievable goals. (1) (2) (3)
3- … a hard science.
Talk therapy is considered a science, however it is less precise than other sciences due to the influence of human bias and the limitations of self-report and observation. A proficient therapist will use evidence-based theories and methods for treatment, and will never claim there is a one-size-fits-all treatment. Some people have productive and positive outcomes with therapeutic interventions, enjoying a reduction of previously experienced symptoms. Other individuals experience a need for long-term therapy, sometimes with little hope of symptoms ever going away completely. A therapeutic goal does not exclusively aim for complete relief of symptoms. Sometimes the goal is to learn to roll with the experiences and emotions in ways that don’t hijack your life so you can continue to function. You may find yourself needing therapeutic guidance from time to time, and you are free to choose when that happens. (1) (2)
4- … a time machine.
It cannot take away the pain, make you forget, change what happened in the past, or give you what you needed in your youth. Belief systems you hold about your life story can add to pain you feel. You might believe that the only option is to run from it - to forget it ever happened. Pain isn’t the problem. It’s part of the solution. Skilled therapists teach you how to explore different ways to relate to the stories of your past. They can help to identify the beliefs you have that contribute to breakdowns or relationship distress. Some pains stay with us, but you can set goals in therapy that diminish excessive worry or panic, strengthen your ability to face fears and discomfort, or teach you the power of slowing down to process thoughts and feelings that haunt you, so you can believe in your ability to navigate inevitable and abrupt stresses. A skilled therapist can help you discern if old ways of dealing with pain are actually contributing to your pain. (3)
The Miracle Question
If you woke up tomorrow and a miracle happened, and all the things that were bothering you (all your identified problems) were miraculously gone, how would you know there was a miracle? What would be different?
Therapy can help explore any answers you come up with to this question, it can help you identify patterns in your life, it can validate what is working, and help you find new ways of viewing your situation. It’s okay to not know how this will look before you start working with a therapist. Stick around to see what you can discover, because as Johnathan Lockwood Huie said, “a wonderful gift may not be wrapped as you expect.”
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.