Maybe, Don’t Try To Fix It
What do you do when someone you care about is in a bad mood? More often than not, we try to find solutions to take them out of that mood, and we try to fix things. I want you to take a moment and reflect on how that usually plays out. Sometimes it could be helpful. Other times, however, the situation progresses in a not-so-helpful way. I get it, a lot of us are “fixers”, but let’s understand that maybe we don't have to fix it.
Communication is a two-way street. This means that there is mutual exchange, and within that mutual exchange, things can be misinterpreted. For example, Lilly comes home one day from work in a bad mood. Her sister, Eliana, feels bothered and uncomfortable seeing her in such a negative state. Instinctively, she tries fixing the situation by attempting to take her sister out of her “bad” mood. She might have said, “Just quit, they don't deserve you,” or “don't take it to heart, it's just work,” etc. Eliana might even try to share her own experiences or events of the day to try to get her sister out of her “bad” mood. Lilly responds in a tense tone, saying, “Just leave me alone, I don't need to hear any of that”. So, what could have been a better way to comfort Lilly? Instead of trying to fix her sister’s mood, she could have done the following:
How can I be here for you?
I'll give you some space, but know that I’m here if you need me
Seeing you like this hurts me. Let me know if there’s anything I can do
It’s ok to feel this way
What about Eliana? It is normal to carry and feel what the other person is feeling. How could you care for yourself while also caring for someone else? You might notice feeling some kind of emotion, whether that’s anger, irritation, sadness, annoyance, etc. Let’s revisit our example above. Eliana starts noticing that she is feeling frustrated. Why isn't her sister letting her help? After all, no one likes to feel a heavy energy in the room. It is easy for anyone to start showing their emotions. We humans affect one another, especially when it comes to feelings. So, what Eliana could do is say something like this:
It hurts seeing you like this. I'm going to take 5-10 minutes to calm down so I can better support you when you need me. Once I feel calm, I'll come and check in on you.
It’s important to explain why the time away is needed; otherwise, Lilly might feel a sense of guilt for sharing her feelings. So, explaining that the time away is to calm down so she can better support her sister is crucial to avoid any escalating situations (you can't pour from an empty cup). Most importantly, actually showing up once the 10 minutes pass by is key. Not showing up could lead to feelings of abandonment and more hurt.
I would like to end this blog by exploring a phrase usually mentioned in therapy, “sit with your feelings”. So, what does that mean? Let’s practice mindfulness for a moment. I invite you to recall the last time you felt a strong, unpleasant emotion. Maybe it was today, yesterday, or last week? Maybe an hour ago, or as you're reading this blog. Now sit with that feeling. We’ll explore how to do that together.
Be aware and recognize that you are feeling something. Try not to judge yourself for feeling. Let the feeling be there, maybe for a moment, try not to do anything about it other than recognizing it.
Try not to label your feelings as either “good” or “bad”. Each and every emotion you experience is very important and normal to have.
Be kind to yourself as you feel your emotions. Notice the way you speak to yourself. Understand that you have the right to feel emotions.
Turn to your body and reflect on where you are feeling that emotion in your body. Some people feel anger in their jaw by clenching it, whereas others feel anxiety in their stomach. So, what physical sensations are you experiencing?
Try putting words to your feelings. Sometimes we feel something, but we don't know what that feeling is. This is where I like to bring out the feelings wheel, which I, at times, still use myself.
I understand that all of this is way easier said than done. No one is a natural expert when it comes to feelings and communication; however, as we all heard growing up, “practice makes perfect”. Simply do your best and be gentle with yourself. If you feel like you “messed up,” that’s ok. We all mess up and try again and again until we get it right. Just remember, maybe you don't have to fix it. Just sit with it and see where that takes you. Wishing you the best in your healing journey.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.
