How to Have Hard Talks, Softly
The stuff married couples have to navigate through is both rewarding and difficult. There is no running away from talking about hard topics. And it’s easy to destroy the possibility of having a good conversation when concerns are brought up with sentences that begin with accusations (using words like “always” or “never”). So how do couples have successful conversations about difficult topics?
Start With Softness
Concerns, or difficult topics, can be initiated with a soft approach, that focuses on what one is feeling about a certain situation. Bringing attention to how you feel about a situation can curb the temptation to focus on (thus only speak about) your partner's perceptual flaws or seemingly problematic behaviors. One method taught by the Gottman Institute is to use “I” statements. (1)
Here’s what that looks like:
“I feel ______________”…
- Hurt
- lonely
- sad
- abandoned
- embarrassed
- worried
- minimized, etc
“…when [the specific concern/behavior]”…
- “…I am not responded to.”
- “…I sit by myself.”
- “…you roll your eyes at me.”
-“ …we change plans last minute.”
- “…you don’t stick to our budget.”
etc
“... and something I am noticing that I need is [word your need in a positive way]”….
-“… to know how I can be more involved in your life.”
-“… to sense that you are interested in the things I care about.”
-“… to be a part of a dialog that gives me insight and better understanding.”
-“… to know what your preference is here and how we can collaborate.”
Tension
Tension tends to increase when harsh words are used in conversations, particularly if that is how you begin. The tension surrounding some difficult conversations in marriage is understandable. It probably comes as no surprise that venting that tension may feel good in the moment, but doesn’t offer the resolution two people seek when hard topics need to be discussed. When defensiveness attends your conversations, you likely don’t get anywhere.
In contrast, using softer words to initiate a needed conversation is an effective strategy in collaboration and conflict resolution. Every relationship will have legitimate disagreements, distresses, troubles, responsibilities or needs that come up that will need addressing. But none of these instances needs to be amplified by blame, criticism, or judgment of one's partner.
Think about a past conversation that started with heated tension between you and your spouse. Did the two of you find a solution, or did it end in more intense tension than where it began? Now imagine what having a softer approach may have looked like in that instance. Does this imagined, softer approach seem to get to the root of the issue and seem easier to navigate? While this may seem moot to practice in hindsight, there are ways to prepare and practice for potential future conversations (although, please don’t go looking for heated arguments just to test this). Try brainstorming a way to begin a conversation with your partner that is devoid of harsh criticism, and uses the “I statement” formula written above. It can make a noticeable difference.
....But, What If This Blows Up?
Keep in mind that we are all only in control of ourselves. Keeping calm is key, and this video offers some insight on how to meet defensiveness when hard topics must be discussed.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.