Don’t “SHOULD” On Yourself
As a therapist, I am struck by the number of people who are inappropriately hard on themselves. Can you relate to this: You feel so much compassion, tolerance, and kindness towards other people, but when you turn inward, you beat yourself up with impossibly high expectations and are self-critical. “I should not have done that. I should have said something different. I shouldn’t have eaten that. I should be better at that.”
How frequently do you tell yourself things like that? How often does “should” or “should not” pop into your head? The rationale behind it is often that one believes they must be hard on themselves to avoid being conceited, to meet an expectation, or they truly believe that is how everyone lives their lives.
But is self-criticism and berating really effective? Reaching for a goal does need a motivating force. However, the “should-ing” we burden ourselves with creates an expectation to walk faster than we have strength, and is turning out a higher number of people with stressed out, perfectionistic thinking than ever before (1) (6).
Not All “Should’s” Are Created Equal
Not all “should” statements are bad. Making a “should” statement within reason will have elements of rational thinking, such as considering the legitimate effects and consequences of doing or not doing something.
“Shoulding” is different. It’s the automatic thinking of “should” that makes it a type of cognitive distortion. This pattern of thought enters the scene as non-concrete, universal obligations with looming promises of guilt or being wrong if we don’t do it.(2)
Guilt is unpleasant. When guilt pops up with automatic thinking, that is supremely unpleasant, and usually evolves into us projecting our fears, and trying to read the minds of others. “I should go to [social event] because if I don't, people are going to judge me. I should get up and do the dishes because my partner will think I am lazy if they aren’t done when they get home. I should start my homework so other people don’t think I am dumb.”
Do you ever find yourself pushing off things you genuinely want done, but don’t feel like doing? The desire to procrastinate actually is a cue that you may be shoulding yourself. Using the previous example, if every time you think about doing your history homework you feel guilty or depressed “because if I don’t start now everyone will think I am dumb,” you may find yourself redirecting your attention to something more pleasant. The more we use “should” as a motivator, the less time we spend trying to meet our objective. We just never “feel like it.” No amount of nagging, even when it comes from ourselves, has ever been a very good motivator. (1)(2)
Break Free
Switch: One idea for breaking the habit of shoulding is to change the way you frame your thoughts. “I want to do the dishes before my partner comes home. I want to go to [social event]. I want to start my homework.” Be aware of which self-imposed expectations or rules perpetuate this automatic thinking. Switch out the “should” with “want.”(2)(5) What if you really don’t want to? Keep reading.
Validate: Asking yourself, turning inward, and taking judgment in stride combats the automatic thoughts of shoulding.(4) It may be emotionally difficult to brush off judgmental comments/looks from other people, but cognitive distortions keep us from trusting ourselves or our ability to do what’s best for us. It might be uncomfortable to trust yourself. Look inward, and ask yourself what emotions you feel, what you need, and what you want. When an answer comes, do you validate and honor those feelings, needs, or desires? Stand up for the subject you know more about than anyone else: You!
Love: Dr. Kristin Neff said, “I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line.”(3) Self-compassion leaves shame and guilt behind, opening your thoughts to your capacity for success. It’s about being kind and loving to yourself, unconditionally. Other research shows people value their relationship with themselves, but most people find it difficult to see the good in themselves.(7) Your inner critic may be loud, but you have the last word. You are good enough. Nothing can remove your worth.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.