When the Parent You Needed Wasn't the One You Had: Understanding Loss and Longing in Adulthood
Have you ever compared your relationship with a parent to someone else's relationship with their parent, or experienced a sense of longing when you notice families that seem close and supportive? You would not be alone if you did. Many adults carry a quiet grief that is hard to explain, connected to the relationship they had with their parents, and it's not necessarily about having experienced a tangible loss. Instead, it has connections to unmet needs. This grief can surface in unexpected ways and may be accompanied by jealousy, at least on the surface. If we explore beyond the surface, there is evidence of something deeper-a sense of loss and longing for what you needed but did not receive.
Can You Grieve What You Never Had?
An important step in healing is acknowledging that this experience reflects a legitimate form of loss.
You may notice recurring thoughts such as:
Why wasn't our relationship like that?
Why didn't I experience that level of closeness?
This isn't the same as "The grass is always greener on the other side", nor is it a lack of acceptance or a sign of immaturity. Rather, questions such as these reflect a growing emotional awareness-the ability to recognize that something essential was absent (or was very sparse). What was missing may have been attunement (the ability to accurately notice, understand, and respond to another person's emotional state in a way that helps them feel seen, safe, and understood). It is also important to broaden how we understand grief. Grief is not limited to what has been lost in a concrete sense; it also applies to what was never fully present. In this context, you may be grieving the absence of a relationship that met your developmental and emotional needs. (1)(2)
"In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see." (3)
Alongside grief, many people carry a quieter but heavier question:
"Was it me? Did I cause this?"
This belief can feel convincing, especially if you were trained to believe that you were "too much," "too difficult," or somehow responsible for conflict in the relationship. It is important to challenge this directly: A child is never responsible for how a parent treats them.
Children rely on caregivers for emotional regulation, safety, and guidance. Even when children struggle, act out, or have strong emotions, it is the adult's role to respond with care and control. When a parent reacts with harm, withdrawal, or instability, it reflects their limitations-not the child's worth. (1)(2)
"So, if it's not my fault, why does it still feel like it might be?"
Self-blame often develops as a form of psychological protection. For a child, believing "it's my fault" can feel safer than confronting the painful reality that a caregiver was unable to meet their needs. It offers an illusion of control: if I caused it, then maybe I could have changed it.
Over time, this belief can become deeply ingrained, especially when repeated emotional experiences reinforce it and are internalized as truth. When someone says, "it feels like it's my fault," they are describing a powerful emotional conviction-not necessarily an objective reality. And when that feeling is trusted as evidence, it can override logic or external reassurance, making the belief difficult to challenge even in adulthood.
You might notice thoughts like:
If I had been easier, things would have been better.
Maybe I was just hard to love.
These thoughts are understandable, but they are not accurate. They are survival strategies that once helped you make sense of a painful environment.
It can be especially painful when a parent appears to have a closer relationship with another child, often intensifying feelings of rejection and confusion. While many factors can shape these differences, such as the parents life stage, their emotional capacity, or their relational dynamics, one truth remains essential: these differences reflect the parent's limitations and circumstances, not the worth of the child (seeing a theme yet?)
Practice Saying Things That Are More True
Healing does not require finding a perfect explanation for why the relationship was the way it was. In many cases, there is no single, clear answer.
Instead, healing often begins with holding onto more accurate and compassionate truths:
My parents' limitations shaped the relationship more than my worth did.
I was a child responding to the environment I was in.
It is valid to feel hurt about what I did not receive.
No sugar coating here: This will not erase the pain. But confusion and guilt have had a tight grip on this, and saying something more true will loosen this grip.
To Ponder
Use these questions as a way to gently increase self-awareness. There is no need to rush your answers.
When I think about my relationship with my parent, what do I feel first-anger, sadness, confusion, something else?
What did I need from them that I did not receive?
When I compare my experience to others, what specific differences stand out to me?
What messages did I receive growing up about my role in the relationship?
In what ways might I still be carrying responsibility that was never mine to hold?
If I imagine myself as a child in those moments, what would I say to them now?
To Affirm
I was a child doing the best I could with what I had.
I am not responsible for my parents' inability to show up consistently.
My worth is not defined by how I was treated.
It makes sense that I still feel the impact of what I experienced.
Resources
1- Avan Eickels RL, Siegel M, Juhasz AJ, Zemp M. The parent-child relationship and child shame and guilt: A meta-analytic systematic review. Child Dev. 2025 May-Jun;96(3):907-929. doi: 10.1111/cdev.14212. Epub 2025 Jan 16. PMID: 39821595; PMCID: PMC12023818.
2- Matthijs Kalmijn, Guilt in Adult Mother-Child Relationships: Connections to Intergenerational Ambivalence and Support, The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, Volume 75, Issue 4, May 2020, Pages 879-888, https://doi.org/10.1093/geronb/gby077
3- "Lord, I Would Follow Thee" hymn #220 in the Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
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