Mending Words
Mistakes are inevitable, whether at home, at work, with your friends, family, or even in relationships. Part of being human is making mistakes. Learning from mistakes can be very liberating, whereas dwelling on mistakes can be quite paralyzing. An honest, genuine apology might be one of the gentlest ways to mend the harm our mistakes create. In this two-part blog, we will explore how to repair mistakes through apologies. Let’s get right into it!
Repair efforts in a relationship are consistent efforts to rebuild trust and emotional connection. A critical first step that is often overlooked is apologizing. The truth is that apologizing can be overused, ineffective, and insincere. It is important to acknowledge the difference between a genuine apology and one that isn’t. So, what does an effective apology look like? It is more than a short and simple “I’m sorry”.
A genuine apology tends to cover three foundational pieces:
1. Acknowledge the harm that was done
2. Hold empathy for the person harmed
3. Action to rectify the situation
But what next? How are you supposed to rectify the situation? Let’s go back to repair efforts. Rebuilding trust through emotional connection is key here. You have to put in the work, the emotional work, to be exact. There is an opportunity to come out stronger through emotional connection, through relearning who your partner is, through being raw and vulnerable. Speaking about vulnerability, let’s dive into two distinct feelings.
Guilt vs Shame
Feeling guilt for hurting someone is normal. This emotion is evidence that you care and acknowledge the hurt that was done. Guilt could be a powerful motivator for change. Imagine guilt as a teacher; its purpose is to teach you a lesson. Once you learn that lesson, you graduate and move on. Key word: move on. The longer you hold onto the guilt, the higher the chance is for it to transfer into shame. Shame is quite the opposite of guilt. Guilt encourages you to change, whereas shame does not. Guilt says, “I did something wrong”, whereas shame says, “I am bad.” Guilt invites us to own what we’ve done and make things right. Shame, on the other hand, pulls us inward and can freeze our ability to repair.
The truth people don't like hearing is that we all make mistakes. Making mistakes does not mean that you are a bad person. In fact, it shouldn't mean that you are a bad person. Behavior is changed through awareness, education, and compassion. Yes, compassion. Showing yourself empathy and kindness as you tackle unhelpful patterns or behaviors is crucial to change.
In Part 2, we’ll explore what a constructive apology looks like. Furthermore, what to do in situations where receiving an apology isn’t realistic, and the hurt remains unresolved.
Resources
Reference: Chadwick, D. (2026, March). Relationship repair. Counseling Today, 69(2).
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.
