The Impact of Childhood Sexual Abuse on Unwanted Sexual Behavior and Sexual Compulsivity
“I was terrified to tell my spouse about my unwanted sexual behaviors. I didn’t know if they would leave me, or shout it from the rooftops, or even worse, be irreparably disappointed. I knew what I was doing was hurtful, but I just didn’t know what life was like without it. The behaviors started so young. I don’t even think I knew myself without them. How do you explain that to your spouse? How could someone with so much broken-ness be believed- that what I was doing for years I didn’t actually want any part of. At the time, I would have rather fallen into oblivion than talk about it.”
Q was nearly 30 before they disclosed to their spouse about the years of pornography use they had engaged in, both during their marriage and prior. Q tried to stop, and sometimes had months of time they did not engage in acting out in this way. Q thought they could get over it on their own, but after years of trying and failing to overcome the addictive compulsion to watch pornography, they realized they needed more than a supportive spouse and desire to quit.
Jeffery Ford wrote:
“Recovery from sexual addiction is a complex process that begins with accepting the invitation to start a journey without knowing who we can reach to along the way. The first obstacle that seems almost insurmountable is facing the fear of disappointing people, especially our loved ones, when we tell them our story. We are absolutely convinced that if we tell our stories the weight of it will be so heavy that it will push people away. We fear that we will be totally defined by our addiction. The feelings we experience that disconnect us from others and ultimately keep us in hiding exemplify shame.”
Q recalls being exposed to pornography at the age of 5 by a trusted adult in the family, who invited Q to secretly watch it when everyone in the house was asleep. "I wouldn't know until I was much older that the other things this family member was doing to me was sexual abuse." Later, Q would find scraps of magazine pictures throughout the house and would stash them away for later viewing. By the time Q was a teen and young adult, the internet made pornography readily avalible and Q was trapped in an addiciton cycle that they had been living from the time they were 5. "I had no self esteem. Who could love something as dirty as me?"
Negative core beliefs can feed the addiction cycle. Some examples of these negative core beliefs are, “No one will love me as I am” and “I am a bad, unworthy person.” In Jay Stringers book, “Unwanted: how sexual brokenness reveals our way to healing”, he offers some compelling insight in the connection between unwanted sexual behaviors and childhood sexual abuse. He outlines that acting out in sexually compulsive ways, wither with pornography, masterbation, infidelity, or prostitution, drastically increased when sexual abuse was present in childhood. He stated, “The madness of abuse is that we are often offered what our hearts are hungry to experience: attention, touch, and delight.” (pg 65) Correlations where found among his survey respondents that reflected that the higher the sexual abuse score was, the greater likelihood that they would engage in buying sex, and discovered that for both men and women, sexual abuse increased the likelihood of engaging in an affair with someone they knew (pg. 67).
If you or a loved one are ensnared by the addictive pull of pornography or are engaging in unwanted sexual behavior, you may feel hopeless, disappointed, or discouraged. LifeStar is a program that helps people heal from the effects of sexual compulsivity. It provides resources, support, structure, and hope to men and women, partners, and teens as they navigate living life outside of the addictive cycle.
The cycle of addiction is taught by LifeStar: pain/despair, disconnection/reaching inward, preoccupation, rituals, acting out, and then right back at pain/despair. LifeStar is a program geared to break the cycle of addiction and replace unwanted sexual behaviors with behaviors that are enduring, fulfilling, and align with each individuals personal values. Whether you are the individual with the addiction, the spouse or partner of an addict, or are concerned about your teen’s possible addiction, LifeStar has a plan specifically for you!
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.