Rethinking How We See Borderline Personality Disorder
An excerpt from the book Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder: “I must be defective. That was the only explanation I could think of for his behavior. Why did he act so loving one moment and then rip me to shreds the next? Why did he tell me I was talented and wonderful and then scream at me that I was contemptible and the cause of all his problems? If he loved me as much as he said he did, why did I feel so manipulated and powerless? And how could someone so intelligent and educated sometimes act so completely irrational? “ (1)
It is important to note that if you are in a relationship (parent, child, lover, friend) with someone who experiences the traits of borderline personality disorder, you are not alone, and it’s not your fault. Historically, trained professionals and loved ones working with a person experiencing BPD had little hope for change. This has shifted a lot in the past 10 years as more research has been done, and more professionals and families are working together to find solutions despite the existing disputes about what causes it, and how it should be treated. I believe some of the strides in this research have come from attempts to understand instead of only pathologizing. (1) (2)
We Are More Alike Than We Are Different
The human experience presents us with shared and broad developmental needs. The borderline state of mind is not so foreign to us. We are all vulnerable to regression from progress. We all have weaknesses and vulnerabilities that can get under the skin of another person. All of us are subject to the influence of our past. This is a factor not to be ignored while navigating life with your BPD loved one. All of us have moments of “all or nothing thinking”, acting irrationally, being emotionally dysregulated, or even under-reacting.
The difference we see between common functioning and borderline states of mind is frequency. It’s a common human experience to “visit” borderline states of mind, individuals experiencing borderline personality disorder dwell in these states. BPD represents perceptual differences that make relatability difficult if we refuse to see them beyond their perceptual differences from us. (2)
In his book, Dealing With Borderline States In Marriage (2000), Charles McCormack stated “Since most, if not all, of us have the capacity to function at least fleetingly in what could be described as borderline ways, why is it that we tend so readily towards a “we” and “they”, instead of an “us” kind of mentality? I think the answer is that we do not want to acknowledge or remember such painful, disquieting, and unsettling mental/emotional states. We resist identification.” (2)
No one wants to be defined by fleeting moments of instability. Individuals who dwell in borderline states benefit from separating their experience from their identity. We are all more than our weaknesses.
The following videos may be helpful.
https://youtu.be/xq4u_csQ8dQ?si=ICrT7WLMpWQnwXpP
https://youtu.be/acGcQQ1X74M?si=3ObPNTsdrPwyqNq7
https://youtu.be/E1Ph_wwk6bk?si=yL4z8rK0rWixGj2m
Resources
Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger, 2010, Stop walking on eggshells: taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder—new Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Charles C. McCormack, 2000, Treating Borderline States in Marriage: Dealing with oppositionalism, ruthless aggression, and severe resistance. e-book 2023 Intonations Psychology Institute.
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