Resentment and How To Let It Go
I’d like to preface with a story written by Karen Salmansohn from her book Enough Dammit.
Once upon a time, there was a woman who was wandering in the desert who got bitten in the arm by a poisonous snake. All she could think about was how angry she was at the snake for biting her and anger at herself for wandering around in the desert.
As a result, she could not relax. She could not forgive the snake. She could not forgive herself. She found that she could not move on.
In the chaos of all those negative feelings she was unable to calm her mind enough to remember that she was taught how to treat her wound many years previous- suck the poison out- a solution that would save her life.
Unfortunately, the woman could not remember this simple solution. She was too focused on her anger over the snake bite, and her choice to wander the desert, so the poison killed her. The end.
I don't recommend trying to suck poison out of snake bites (Here’s why you shouldn’t suck on snake bites), but this story illustrates how detrimental focusing on the wrong thing can be.
Feelings of annoyance, anger, or indignation due to treatment that is unfair — we have felt them all. Unfair experiences can become frustrating. These events are disappointing and often cause damage to meaningful relationships.
It’s common to temporarily feel negative feelings toward situations and individuals that hurt us. When these feelings persist, or are reawakened time and time again, that can be overwhelming. This is called resentment. (1) (2)
Resentment is a negative emotional reaction to being mistreated. Sometimes the word resentment is used synonymously with “spite” or “holding a grudge.” Someone experiencing resentment may notice that they experience anger, bitterness, uneasiness, hard feelings, personal victimization, a gradual distancing of themselves from what or whom they harbor resentful feelings for, shame, and/or avoidance. (2)
Feeling resentment occurs when we find ourselves in a situation, or conversation, that reminds us of something we experienced before, such as:
Public humiliation or indignity, accidentally or purposefully
Being taken advantage of
Feeling like an object of regular discrimination, minimization, or prejudice
Envy/Jealousy
Being unrecognized for achievements
Emotional rejection
Denial by another person
Deliberate belittling caused by another person
Being put down
Being scorned by others (3)
We might experience it as an inability to control thoughts about the event that triggered the negative emotions or as feelings of regret. Sometimes it is felt as fear of conflict (avoiding conflict) or as an intensity in close personal relationships. It can also be experienced as inadequacy, feeling valueless, less-than, or invisible.
Using the acronym E.L.S.A, you can find ways to build skills that help you cope with resentment in healthy ways, and let it go.
E- Empower yourself through compassion, gain clarity about the roots of your resentment, and love yourself. Remind yourself that you are of worth and are lovable. Recognizing that you live with resentment isn’t all negative. Resentment is information, a waving flag in the air, telling you that you believe you are worthy of better treatment. But it started somewhere. Get curious about how you got to where you are. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend.
L- Let bygones be bygones. Feelings cannot just be flipped like a pancake, but you can switch your angle in the direction of discovering a new way of operating in the world. The feeling of resentment has a relentless grip the more we allow ourselves to focus on it. Forgiveness loosens the grip, freeing up space to think differently — to have a growth centered mindset. Practice standing from a different vantage point. Is it easy for you to acknowledge when you do something wrong? However you answer this, it’s within the human experience. If you are human, the person who hurt you probably is too.
S- Someone you trust will listen, so talk to them. Not only is talking to someone a proven stress reliever, but it also permits you to see the situation from a different angle and with more objectivity. Your trusted confidant can share how they might react in similar circumstances and can be a sounding board for a rational and thoughtful search for solutions. Remember, you are not alone.
A- Allow yourself to feel. Pretending that what you feel isn’t really there can lead to feelings of hate. If you were hurt, acknowledge the pain and feel it. Pain isn’t the problem, it’s part of the solution. Learn to explore even your most basic feelings, to develop comfort around experiencing emotions. What are you feeling right now? Is it anger? Is it shame? Is it confusion? Whatever the emotion is, it is valid.
There are many versions of this same quote, by multiple famous people, but the sentiment rings true: “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” You deserve to be happy even if your past has negative events. Don’t lose hope; you are stronger than you realize.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.