Navigating Life after Suicidal Thoughts in a Loved One
Fear. Sadness. Guilt. Anger. Confusion. These are all very real feelings when our loved one is experiencing suicidal thoughts and/or hospitalization. Time can slow down, and it can feel as though you have been trying to navigate this situation for a very long time. You may feel like a bad parent, caregiver or family member because your loved one struggles.
You aren’t bad; you are dealing with a very difficult situation. Of course there are questions when bringing a loved one home after hospitalization or after disclosure of suicidal thinking. “How do I keep them safe? How do I stay positive and understanding when I feel stretched thin? What do I do if my loved one won’t talk to me?”
You are not alone.
Some Statistics
Over 178,000 individuals self-reported suicidal ideation at a rate of “frequent” since the COVID-19 pandemic began spreading wide in March 2020. From January to September 2020, 77,470 11-17-year-olds reported the same, including 27,980 LGBTQ+ youth1.
During the months of February and March of 2021, the CDC reported that emergency room visits for suspected suicidal attempts were approximately 50% higher among 12–17-year-old girls than during that same period in 2019. For boys 12-17 years-old, the increase was 3.7%2.
These numbers are projected to increase due to the COVID mitigation measures that are in place for so many of the youth in this state such as physical distancing including a lack of connectedness to schools, teachers and peers.
Real Stories
One local parent described her child, Z, as introverted. Z told her parent she felt depressed and kept hidden the fact that she was engaging in self harm. When Z was a senior in high school, she made a plan to act on her thoughts of suicide. The idea felt terrible, and she turned to prayer. She felt drawn to listen to a playlist on her phone. Z’s parent said:
“The first song that came on was one from Twenty-One Pilots that said, ‘Now the night is coming to an end. The sun will rise, and we will try again. Stay alive, stay alive for me.’ ”
“Z began counseling immediately …. We did our best to alleviate her from the temptation to harm herself by removing push pins, razor blades etc. from our home. Z began using an app that counts days for anything you want it to, to keep track of how many days she had been free of self-harming behaviors. Z uses social media to speak about suicide prevention. We have all become a lot more transparent. We talk about what is happening and why. We ask each other how we are doing. We regularly tell our children how much we love them and that we are grateful they are here. Z and her siblings have a group text where they regularly support each other. They also started a Sibling Day where they spend time with each other throughout the whole day.”
Another local parent described her response when she discovered many cuts on her child’s arms.
“My first reaction was to scream and yell at her. I was selfish and thought how ungrateful she was to hate the life that we gave her. She told me countless times that night how she didn’t want to live anymore and that she didn’t feel worthy or good enough to breathe air anymore. Everything in me hurt. Everything felt like it was being torn in half. I was so mad.”
“The thing that helped my daughter the most was to help her find a voice. I quickly realized that she is just like me. She borrows trouble as often as she can. We talk openly. I don’t hide things from her. I never shame her. I hopefully never make her feel stupid for what she says or how she feels.”
This parent followed her gut on medical exploration and school accommodations and admits that everyday is different. Now she tells her child:
“You have a 100% track record of surviving every problem you have faced. That’s a fantastic percentage. Let’s keep figuring this out”
Real Solutions
Recognize the need to “check-in” more often.
This can give a better idea of how each person in the family is doing.
Learn to live with the unknown.
There is no time to berate yourself for not knowing what a crisis looks like for your loved one.
Believe your loved one.
When they say they are doing better or say they don’t need to be watched, take their word for it, while also taking it slow the first 3 months back home/after suicidal ideation disclosure.
Your loved one needs a person to open up to.
Be there even if it is not you. Help reflect insight and guidance in their suffering and ongoing therapy may be a good option.
Stop (and listen), drop (what you are doing) and roll (with their needs).
If they are trying to get your attention, it may not always be about solving a problem. Listening with empathy is one of the most helpful things you can do for them.
Identify and nurture support networks.
Gather family or friends that can play the role of an interventionist if your loved one is in a dark place.
Direct questions when suicidal thoughts are suspected and take any threat seriously.
Consider if a medical intervention is necessary.
Help
It helps to talk to someone. Here at Roubicek and Thacker, a therapist can offer one-on-one support. It is a great local resource you can use as you navigate your own feelings about what your child or loved one may be experiencing.
There are also online resources that allow for access to help on your time. One online resource has videos of parents or caretakers who have loved ones experiencing suicidal thoughts. They share their thoughts and experiences, similarly to the stories you just read. Check it out here: https://www.pleo.on.ca/resources/supporting-parents-of-suicidal-youth/
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.