Moving Beyond Codependency
In a world bustling with interdependencies and connections, the line between healthy relationships and codependency can often blur. It’s essential to recognize that while mutual support is the cornerstone of any relationship, over-dependence can lead to an imbalance, stifling personal growth and happiness. Moving beyond codependency involves a deep understanding of self-worth and the courage to embrace self-reliance.
Many of us are drawn to the comfort and security that relationships provide. However, when these relationships become our sole source of validation, we risk losing our individuality. Codependency, often rooted in low self-esteem and fear of abandonment, can manifest in various ways—constantly seeking approval, neglecting personal needs to please others, or feeling responsible for the happiness of those around us. This dynamic not only hampers our personal development but also the growth of our loved ones, as it inhibits their ability to be self- sufficient.
To move beyond codependency, it’s crucial to embark on a journey of self-discovery and healing. Here are some strategies that can guide you through this transformative process:
Find YOUR Happiness
It’s very likely that you’re not even sure how you feel because you’ve been so focused on making others happy that you didn’t stop to notice how you felt. The idea of finding your happiness in life may sound like a foreign concept, but it is possible. The truth is you can find happiness from within and its not dependent on making those around you happy first. Engaging in activities that bring joy, practicing gratitude, and cherishing small moments can shift your perspective. When you find happiness within, your dependency on external validation diminishes, paving the way for healthier, more balanced relationships.
Redefine Self-Care
Self-care is often misunderstood as selfishness. However, it’s quite the contrary. Taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being is paramount. When you prioritize self-care, you’re not only nurturing your own growth but also enhancing your capacity to contribute positively to your relationships. It’s about finding a balance where your well-being complements, rather than competes with, your care for others.
Boundary Setting
Its ok to say no to a request (even if the other person doesn’t like it). Boundaries don’t always have to be black and white, yes or no. It can be setting time limits, “I can only talk for 10 minutes” or “I can help you until 2 pm, but then I need to go” Boundaries can include topics that aren’t to be discussed or material boundaries such as sharing/loaning money or possessions with others. Boundaries can also include physical space such as distance you prefer when speaking to others, or whether you allow hugs or any other kind of physical touch. The boundaries set may vary depending on the person, but bring awareness to what your needs are and what’s motivating you to make those boundaries, or to back off from them. Are you making choices based on your needs or out of fear of upsetting the other person?
Cultivate Interdependent Relationships
The goal is not to detach completely from others but to form interdependent relationships where both parties maintain their distinct identities while supporting each other. This involves clear communication, respect for personal boundaries, and an appreciation for individual growth alongside the relationship. This means that you are spending time with those that respect your boundaries and value you as the individual you are instead of loving you for what you give to them, which is conditional love. Looking for those that encourage you and support you unconditionally, they love you the same whether you give them something or not.
Embrace small changes
There’s a reason behind your codependent behaviors and you’re not going to change your pattern of thinking overnight. (This has been a survival technique for you). It’s a process to change thoughts and behaviors but it can be done. To start, focus on one aspect of self- improvement at a time, whether its setting boundaries, practicing self-care, or nurturing your passions. This concentrated effort can lead to profound changes, enabling you to appreciate your own company and reduce dependency on others for fulfillment.
Seek Professional Guidance
Sometimes, the patterns of codependency are deep-rooted and complex. Seeking help from a therapist can provide you with the insights and tools needed to navigate this intricate journey. Therapy can offer a safe space to explore your fears, understand your worth, and learn healthier ways of relating to yourself and others. Remember, the path to overcoming codependency is not a linear one. It involves introspection, patience, and a commitment to continuous growth. By fostering a strong sense of self, practicing mindfulness, and redefining the dynamics of your relationships, you can pave the way for a life that’s not just about surviving, but thriving—independently, and together.
Wondering if your codependent? Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
Motivation
What’s the motivation for what you’re doing? Are you doing something because you made a conscious choice to do it, or are you acting from guilt and obligation?
Giving to others
Are you choosing to give OR giving compulsively without thinking what you’re doing? Are you hoping someone will like or love you if you do something for, or give something to him or her?
Loveable
Do you feel lovable and likable and have self-esteem? Or do you have to prove those things to other people and yourself?
Feelings
How do you feel when you’re done doing the behavior? Do you feel resentful, used or victimized? Or do you feel comfortable with and responsible for your choices?
*** (These questions are taken from “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie). I highly recommend this book and workbook for anyone struggling with codependency.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.