Keeping Perspective With Your New High Schooler
The Urban dictionary states that being “scarecited” is the act of being scared and excited at the same time. Perhaps that is a good way of describing what back-to-school season can be like. It’s the same every year. Come August, slowly but steadily, the realization that summer is over settles over your household in waves of busily prepping backpacks and panicked attempts at squeezing every last perception of freedom out of each ticking hour.
Going back to school for families who have teens is scareciting. They are doing wonderful and exciting new things like making their own decisions and learning to drive. But it is coupled with things that are scary and risky like making their own decisions and learning to drive.
Sound complicated? Well, it is. And that’s how it should be.
Having a good relationship with your teen as they begin high school is important, and it can be tricky to balance. There are many things for teens, as they grow in autonomy, that bid for their attention and that can create a conflict of interest for them to heed even the wisest of counsel from the most loving of caretakers.
Understand that much of what might look like what you saw when they were two is actually a really important aspect of them developing their character, and you don’t want to cut any corners when it comes to that. Here are some tips for keeping this process in perspective.
Lend an ear and an eyeball: Direct questions might instigate World War III with your teen. There are some things you can learn about how your teen is doing without appearing to be too nosey. Teens reach out by randomly making comments about something that happened in their day. Take note and listen when they are ready to talk. Look out for changes in mood, eating habits, or activity levels. These may be windows into knowing if they would like to speak with a professional (1).
Of course you have an answer: That’s not the point. Validate the things they say they feel (or show they feel) with statements such as, “That sounds really hard.” “Look at how much you are smiling when you share that story.” “That is totally relatable.” “I can see why that affects you so much.” Whether it’s a tough breakup or a teacher with impossible standards, you might want to jump the gun and give them the life lesson that comes from those experiences. Instead, be present with them in what they feel, and let them discover on their own that that person really wasn’t right for them anyway.
Practice confidence and praise: They want you to trust them. You can show your growing skills in cutting those apron strings by including them in tasks that allow them to rise to the occasion. “Can you run to the store for me? Here are the keys to the car.” Let them know when they are doing something well. The only way they can know how awesome you think they are is if you tell them.
Model accountability and emotions: You make the rules, but you have those rules for a reason. Share that with them. Prepare for the possibility of your child being capable of getting your logic. This is a good way of seeing if old boundaries for your child can be expanded based on your child’s readiness. Being questioned about your rules may make you upset, and teens will certainly challenge boundaries. Grounding exercises and taking breaks will keep you in control and show them that we, and not our emotions, are in charge of how we act. We get to choose.
It’s better when we are together: Crafts, hiking, movies, or dinner at the table. It doesn’t matter what you do. Spending time with your teen offers positive shared experiences that make it more comfortable for your teen to turn to you when things get harder. Being present and off of electronic distractions is key. Your teen craves evidence that you want them and love them (2).
You are less alone than you may realize. It is perfectly normal for this new world of having a high schooler to be hard and exhausting. You are more resilient than you know, and your teen is soaking it all in. Amid the tricky stuff with your teen, lean into the positive experiences, embrace exciting times, accept that mistakes will be made on both sides, have compassion for them and yourself, and remind yourself this is a little bigger than you and there is strength in trusting the process.
(1) https://childmind.org/article/should-i-get-care-for-my-child/
(2) https://childmind.org/article/tips-communicating-with-teen/
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