How to Tolerate and Accept Your Mistakes Without Being Overly Critical
Do you believe your worth and value is based on what you can do?
Do you often compare yourself to an ideal, and become judgmental of yourself when you don’t match that ideal?
Do you feel your emotions intensely, or are very sensitive, to criticism/less than positive feedback?
Do you see simple mistakes as large failures?
Do you find yourself intolerant of the mistakes of others?
It’s not always for the same reason that individuals fall into this trap of perfectionistic, intolerant thinking about making mistakes. It may be experienced when someone demands perfection from themselves, when someone demands perfection from other people, or when someone feels pressure from others to “be perfect.” (2)
The drive to avoid mistakes can be two-sided. One might have high standards, be hard working, have a general tenacity for building skills, and be conscientious. These things are admirable and certainly make a person stand out. On the other side of that is an intolerance of mistakes and having perfectionistic thinking. These mindsets create stories of catastrophe, increase distress, and may lead to self-sabotage in the face of potential flaws.
By becoming more open, adaptable, and tolerant of mistakes, you can use your positive traits in ways that are helpful and progressive.
Open
We are human and we must give ourselves permission to be such. Being open to the idea that the solutions we seek come from the failures we make is embracing reality, and may help decrease distress. “Our society emphasizes instant gratification over patience, perseverance, and hard work. We educate children to know the right answer, not to discover it. Research shows that thinking our intelligence is malleable helps us see mistakes as a signal. We are more open to pay attention and learn from them. But those who think they can’t get smarter fail to see mistakes as growth opportunities.” (1)
Adaptable
Building adaptability can reduce the intensity of negative emotions experienced when facing a mistake. How can one do this? One way is to accept mistakes and be kind to yourself. Let the mistake be the mistake, not you. Don’t let it define you. Welcome a trial-and-error mentality, and learn from it. Remember that it’s not easy to build adaptability in mistakes, especially if one has habitually bought into the idea that they must be perfect. Put yourself out there, ask for help, and entertain the idea that you have much to learn.
Tolerance
Tolerance of mistakes can look like taking on a challenge or risk, without knowing how it will turn out. It looks like accepting what has happened, not overthinking it, and letting things go. It looks like prioritizing the important things and de-prioritizing marginal factors. It looks like allowing progress a little bit at a time.
“Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.” - Oscar Wilde
The intense negative emotions that sometimes accompany making mistakes may reflect your negative thoughts about yourself. Try curbing the intensity with these self-affirming phrases.
1. “I might have some faults, but I’m still a good person.”
2. “I care about myself and other people.”
3. “I accept who I am.”
4. “I love myself.”
5. “I’m a good person, not a mistake.”
6. “I’m good and nobody’s perfect.”
7. “I embrace both my good and bad qualities.”
8. “Today I take responsibility for everything I do and say.”
9. “Each day I do the best I can.”
10. “Even though I’ve made mistakes in the past, I’m still a good person.” (3)
The ability to problem solve comes from making and accepting mistakes. We limit our capacity for growth when we lean on a belief that we must have all the answers or when we are overly critical of ourselves (or others). You are going to make mistakes. You are okay. You are doing better than you realize. Keep going.
Resources
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.