How Do You Feel About Embarrassment?
Embarrassment can be quite uncomfortable. Can you relate to this? Is it possible to stop being so embarrassed all the time?
In a question I posted on facebook, I asked what people believed about experiencing embarrassment. Did it make them a stronger person? Did it have a long-term influence on their self-esteem?
The answers were interesting. Some concluded that embarrassing experiences helped them to grow as a person. One individual answered that they did not think that experiencing embarrassment on its own was strengthening, but “When I overcame the embarrassment by self-acceptance, that’s when I became a stronger person.”
Charles Darwin was curious about embarrassment and wrote that the physical manifestation of embarrassment (blushing) was involuntary, and he could see no evolutionary use for it, claiming “it makes the blusher suffer and the beholder uncomfortable, without being the least service to either of them.” (5)
Not everyone feels the same as Darwin about embarrassment, though. A study done in Berkley concluded that showing embarrassment could portray an individual as more altruistic or even a better potential partner (one who is cooperative and less likely to cheat). Additional studies by the same researchers discovered that college level students were more willing to include a person in study groups if they appeared embarrassed. (4) Other research suggests a person who shows embarrassment after a “bad act” (knocking something down, for example) is perceived as more likable than those who don’t. (2)
Which one of these groups of thoughts do you line up with?
Whether you side ideologically with Darwin or the more contemporary research, there are ways of managing embarrassment.
1 – 5x5 rule: Suggested by Dr. Holly Schiff, this rule is asking yourself a question: “Will this matter to me in 5 years?” If it won’t matter in 5 years, spending more than 5 minutes on it may need some reconsideration. Putting the embarrassing situation into a long-term context will allow you space to try letting go. (1)
2 – Resiliency Game Plan: How well do you know yourself? Are you a highly sensitive person? Do you experience social anxiety? Do you struggle with loving yourself? Do you have a very harsh inner critic? If you know when and where you experience embarrassment the most, you can make a game plan to deliberately use your energy in positive ways. One option was offered by Dr. Mark Leary.
He suggests inviting your embarrassment into a safe setting, daily. Resisting embarrassment can make it worse, but setting aside time to face the experience can take the power out of it. (6) Ruminate a lot? Consider finding a list of tasks to engage in such as lawn care, grocery shopping, or paying the bills. Does a harsh inner critic make it difficult to laugh something off? Consider having a playlist of comedians on your phone. (1)
3 – Distress Tolerance: Embarrassment makes it hard to feel calm in both mind and body. Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes teaches about facing distress in the moment, which can be applied to feelings of embarrassment. Deep breathing can aid in regulating the body in a moment of distress, but she combines this strategy with adjusting to a change in temperature. Splash a little cold water on your cheeks or hands. Your brain will refocus its energies to the temperature change, distracting from the dialog in your head and engaging in reflexive “rest and digest” (getting the body’s temp back to homeostasis). When your body is focusing on warming up your face and hands, it focuses less on the narrative in your head causing the distress. (1)(7)
4 – Take another look: We likely won’t die of embarrassment, but embarrassment can trigger self-destructive behavior, particularly in men. Is it possible to see it from another perspective? One CBT strategy is to write down what you are thinking and feeling, and try creating a healthy and fair perspective that is different.
For example, imagine your loved one was let down when you dropped the ball on a commitment. You may believe you have ruined a relationship and want to avoid interacting with them. Taking another look, and writing down what you are thinking and feeling, may allow you to say to yourself :
“We all make mistakes.”
“I can be accountable for the mistake, and it may not be as bad as I think.”
5 – Hindsight is 20/20: Can there really be a silver lining that helps manage embarrassment? The answer is, “YES,” if you let it. Embarrassment is a universal experience, so it is something that makes it easy to relate to other people. Without feeling embarrassed, we might not have known the mistakes we were making. With it, we can course correct and harmonize into social circles that offer us employment, connection, or community. Keep in mind, most silly or undesirable moments are forgotten or laughed about eventually. (1) (3)
Long story short, you are not alone. Game plans and self reflection aside, if you notice that there are some issues that seem to reach beyond just feeling embarrassed, reaching out to a trusted friend or a mental health professional can offer you additional support. Don’t go it alone. What you have to say is worth listening to.
1— https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-to-do-if-you-get-easily-embarrassed
2— https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/embarrassment
3— https://thelighthousechc.com/6436/features/do-embarrassing-moments-make-us-feel-stronger/
4— https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20160106-the-surprising-perks-of-being-easily-embarrassed
5— https://brocku.ca/MeadProject/Darwin/Darwin_1872_13.html
6 — https://www.today.com/health/feel-red-cheeks-coming-9-ways-overcome-blushing-t103164
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