What Not To Say To a Grieving Friend
“The process of grief is painful, but it can be made lighter when it is shared with others.” - Stacey Thacker, LMFT, from her book, From Heartache to Hope
Oftentimes, when confronted with another’s pain, we have difficulty in choosing what to say to make them feel better. Sitting with someone else’s grief may surface our own fears, sadness, and helplessness. This results in us having to sit with our own discomfort which only heightens the desire to want to make it “better” or “fix” the situation.
However, as with so many things, one cannot fix grief… only heal through, work through, grow through (whichever you prefer) to find resolution, meaning, and healing in the ever-present suffering one experiences throughout a lifetime.
The truth of the matter is, regardless of what you say, it will never be the “right” thing that is going to make grief “go away.” However, whatever it is that you do say, let it be ENUF: be empathetic, be non-judgemental, be unconditional, and stay focused on the feeling (Read more on Ken Moses’s ENUF acronym here, courtesy of Stacey Thacker, LMFT).
Wherever your friend is in their grief journey, showing up and being there for them is enough; and the most important thing you can do is get comfortable with being uncomfortable in the heavy emotions surrounding grief and loss. Below are three, easy to remember, rules of thumb to guide you in your efforts of being a more helpful, rather than hurtful, listening ear to your loved one during their grieving process:
Rule 1: Avoid looking for/offering a silver lining or bright side
Eg., “at least they are in a better place,” “look on the bright side,” “at least ____.”
In principle, these kind gestures/statements are often used to lighten the mood or cheer someone up. If you find yourself starting a sentence with “at least”... you have gone down the wrong path. While you have wonderful intentions, you could be invalidating someone’s sadness and heaviness of the loss. Let your friend reach their own “bright side” in their own time.
Rule 2: Avoid telling someone how to feel
Statements such as “you’re so strong” or “stay strong” can communicate to the grieving individual that they should feel or need to feel one way when, in fact, they may be feeling the exact opposite (weak, defeated, or like their world is falling apart). We can be a world of help when we give our friend the space to communicate their feelings openly without the pressure to feel or be anything else in that moment.
Rule 3: Avoid Disconnecting or Distancing yourself
As Brené Brown beautifully stated, “empathy is feeling WITH people.” As mentioned earlier, oftentimes when sitting in grief with someone, it pulls on our own discomfort. This can lead us to want to say things such as “I can’t imagine.” When we are grieving, we need someone to sit with us, not run from us in our feelings. When we disconnect or run from our own emotions or empathetic expression(s), we build a wall between ourselves and the grieving individual.
We must give them a space where they can openly communicate their emotions without the pressure of having to explain why/how they feel that way. If you need a refresher on empathy, check out my favorite soundbite/illustration of Brene Brown’s Empathy v. Sympathy.
Lastly, if ever in doubt, one of the best things you can do is let your loved one know that you are there for them and are willing to listen. It’s okay to not know the right thing to say; let your presence and support be enough. Let these rules of thumb be a basis for engaging in dialogue with someone who is going through difficult emotions.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.