The Gift of Falling Apart
Written By: Ream Moharam
When you think of the phrase falling apart, what are some of the first things that come up for you? Is it a “good” thought/feeling or a “bad” thought/feeling? More often than not, we grow up believing that falling apart is a negative thing to experience. However, what if there is a gift that comes with such trials and tribulations? A beauty behind all the pain. I understand that this might seem absurd or hard to believe. But for now, let’s process this a bit more.
Let me be clear, you can feel pain and hurt while also recognizing the beauty behind such experiences. This does not invalidate your experiences at all. Additionally, it is ok to just feel your pain and ride the waves if that is what you need to do to survive. However, let’s challenge ourselves to see a different side to all of this. We all have experienced things in life that just feel terrible. Sometimes life just isn’t “lifing”. Let’s review a few tips we can utilize during these difficult times.
1. Acknowledge your pain
You are human. It is completely normal to experience hurt, loss, betrayal, etc. Sometimes we feel numb, and that is a reaction to certain situations. Recognizing that you are hurt can feel scary, and that is ok. Remember to take it one step at a time. You will be ok.
2. Identify your feelings/situation
What is it that you are feeling? Did something happen that caused you to feel a certain way? Or, were you triggered out of the blue? Asking yourself these questions could be very insightful and reflective. If this feels too overwhelming, reach out for help. Talk to someone you trust. If possible, see a therapist. I do recommend having a feelings wheel. Practice feeling comfortable with identifying your feelings.
3. “Two things can be true”
There is an idea in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that two opposites can be true. You can feel hurt while seeing the not-so-bad side to it all. You can miss someone while acknowledging that you are better off without them. You can set boundaries while still loving someone. You don't have to choose. It is all valid.
4. Support systems
It is very important not to feel alone. Having support systems provides love and support, which we especially need during hard times. I understand that not everyone has this option or advantage in life. Support systems aren't restricted to families. They can be pets, support groups (online/in-person), caring colleagues, professors, and spiritual beliefs. Do what works and feels right for you.
I want you to visualize a flower. With proper care, this flower flourishes and thrives. Sometimes flowers wither. However, nourishing the stem with some sugar and maybe providing more water could bring life back to the flower. Before you know it, you’ll have a blossomed flower that looks bright and beautiful. We are like flowers; things happen in life that are terrible, but there is a bright side to it. We grow out of it stronger, more empathic, compassionate, wise, considerate, etc. Will we struggle on the way? Maybe. But on the other side of the struggles, there is a gift. I might not know what that gift is for you or myself, to be honest, but it’s there, and of that I’m sure.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.