I'm a Functioning Adult, So Why Can't I Make a Phone Call?
There is a strange moment that happens somewhere between being a kid and becoming an adult. Suddenly, you're expected to figure things out. You may be living on your own, starting college, getting your first real job, managing your own money, making appointments, dealing with paperwork, or trying to keep up with responsibilities that used to belong to someone else. And underneath all of it can be an unspoken message:
You're an adult now. You should be able to handle this yourself.
So you try. You figure things out on your own. You Google the answer instead of asking. You avoid bothering someone. You tell yourself you'll deal with it later. Sometimes you even sit there staring at your phone, knowing you need to make a two-minute call, but somehow the call feels like a much bigger deal than it should.
What if I don't know what to say?
What if they think I'm stupid?
What if I ask the wrong question?
What if they're annoyed with me?
So you put the phone down. I'll do it later.
And it's not just being on the phone (although that is where it happens a lot). Asking a professor to explain an assignment. Asking a boss what they meant. Telling a roommate you need them to pay their share. Asking a friend to clarify plans. Sending an email because you don't understand what you're supposed to do next. The request itself isn't necessarily difficult. Needing something from another person is what feels difficult.
When Asking Feels Harder Than the Task
Part of becoming an adult really is learning to take responsibility for yourself. You have to make decisions, solve problems, manage responsibilities, and deal with the consequences of your choices. Every young adult wants to prove they are capable, but this can get hijacked by certain thoughts, particularly: I should be able to do everything myself. You have humans in your life that seem to do things all on their own, and you may feel the pressure to appear as capable as them (often the comparison coming from watch older adults, who have been adulting for way longer). If you're trying to prove that you belong in the adult world, needing help can feel like evidence that you aren't ready for it.
Everyone else seems to know what they're doing.
I should already know this.
I don't want them to think I'm incompetent.
I should be able to figure this out.
So instead of asking for help or guidance, you struggle quietly.
The Vulnerability of Not Knowing
There is a particular discomfort that comes with revealing a gap in what you know which older adult know all too well. You don't just have to ask the question. You have to let someone else see that you don't know the answer. That can feel surprisingly vulnerable.
Maybe you're new at work and don't understand something, but you're afraid to ask because everyone else seems to know what they're doing. Maybe you don't understand a bill or piece of paperwork and keep trying to figure it out yourself. Maybe your friends are making plans you can't afford, but saying something feels embarrassing. Maybe your roommate isn't doing their share, but bringing it up feels like you're being difficult.
None of these situations mean you are incapable. In fact, asking can be part of being capable. The problem is that when independence becomes part of your identity, asking can feel like failure instead of problem-solving.
Why the Phone Can Make it Worse
Phone calls are a good example. Texting gives you time to think, rewrite, and respond when you're ready. A phone call requires you to respond in real time, without knowing exactly what the other person will say. If you're already worried about being judged, that uncertainty can make a simple call feel much bigger than it is. The same thing can happen with an email you keep rewriting, a question you keep putting off, or a conversation you don't know how to start. Here we see issues with uncertainty, not capacity or communication.
You don't know what will happen once you ask, so your brain tries to prepare for every possible outcome before you've even made the request.
The Conversation Hasn't Happened, but Your Anxiety Has
You imagine the other person being annoyed.
You imagine sounding stupid.
You imagine making things awkward.
You imagine being told no.
You imagine them thinking differently about you afterward.
By the time you actually have the conversation, you've already experienced several possible versions of it in your head.
And that can make avoidance feel like the safer choice.
Don't call yet.
Wait until tomorrow.
Maybe they'll reach out first.
I'll figure it out myself.
I'll ask when I know more.
I'll call when I feel better about this.
Maybe I don't really need that.
Avoiding the request may give you a little relief, but it doesn't make the need disappear. Now you have the original problem plus the stress of having put it off.
Growing Up Doesn't Mean Becoming Someone Who Needs Nobody
One of the biggest misunderstandings about adulthood is that growing up means needing less from other people.
A healthier version of independence means taking responsibility for your own life while knowing when to ask questions, seek advice, or lean on someone else. You can be capable and still not know something. You can make your own decisions without making every decision alone.
Feeling uncomfortable doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. Being uncomfortable sometimes is actually pretty normal. Asking isn't demanding. Not knowing isn't incompetence. Having a need doesn't make you needy. And someone else's response doesn't determine how well you handled a situation. You can take responsibility for your own life without taking responsibility for everything alone.
"I can do this myself," is pretty stressful. Go ahead and do that as long as you think you need to, then experiment with what can happen when you say: "I don't know how to do this yet. Let me ask."
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.
