How Not to Apologize
If you are wanting to completely mess up an apology to a friend or loved one try sending an impersonal text taking no responsibility, make excuses and blame the other person. But why would anyone not want to apologize in an effective and meaningful way? For many people apologizing is not a learned communication skill or something they continually work on. For some, apologizing comes more naturally and are ways to express remorse.
How not to apologize:
1. Continue the behavior that you apologized for
Apologies are meaningless if the behavior is continued. “I’m not sorry, I wasn’t wrong, I don’t need to do anything to make it right, I’ll do whatever I want, I don’t need to apologize.”
2. Excuse and minimize your actions
“I’m sorry if you felt that way, but... I had a bad day.” Or “It’s not a big deal.”
3. With attitude; anger, sarcasm, humor or drama
“Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.” Or “You are so over sensitive. It’s that time of month isn’t it?” Or “It was just a joke, geez.” Or “Ok, I’m sorry, gosh! Are you happy now”?
4. Don’t make any effort to apologize
Don’t tell the person you offended that you are sorry because you aren’t sorry, don’t feel remorseful and you are sure not going to say something you don’t mean, “Look, I’m not apologizing for something I didn’t do.”
5. Argue and debate who was right and wrong
Don’t take responsibility. It’s not your fault they chose to get offended, “That was not what I meant and you know it. You are choosing to get upset.” Or "I’m sorry you’re upset but it sounds like you are jealous” or “I am sorry for whatever it is that you think I did and should apologize for” or “I’m sorry you’re angry.”
How to apologize:
Author Gary Chapman in his book “The 5 love languages; styles of apology” states his premise that there are 5 languages or styles of apology:
1. Expressing Regret: “I am sorry”
2. Accepting Responsibility: “I was wrong”
3. Making Restitution: “What can I do to make it right?”
4. Genuinely repenting: “I’ll try not to do that again.”
5. Requesting Forgiveness: “Will you please forgive me?”
An apology is better in person, face to face because the one apologizing can hopefully feel the awkwardness, the empathy for the other, the burden and guilt and feels a compelling, his/her conscious, to make it right with the other person. Texting an apology is impersonal and we don’t have to see the others pain or emotion. We can easily remain removed and untouched by their pain.
A sincere apology shows maturity. It is recognizing when you are at fault, admitting what you have done and learning from it. An apology does not make excuses and is an expression of regret and remorse for an offense. It is about the one that was hurt AND the one who hurt; (example: “I feel really bad that I made you cry. I’m really ashamed of my actions. It was not my intention. I will do better in the future”). The one apologizing feels shame, guilt, regret and empathy.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.