4 Essentials to Staying in Love
For as long as I can remember, a few of my favorite things to ask any couple I meet are how they met and how they fell in love. Maybe it is the hopeless romantic in me, but the way their eyes light up when they share their story is one of my favorite things about the human experience. Ask these questions to any couple and they will reminisce about the excitement, passion and fun of the early days in their relationship. Often, unprompted, couples will talk about the rush of hormones, the infatuation and the joy they experienced in getting to know, and pursue, their partner. By the same token, those same couples may have difficulty sharing the same enthusiasm when it comes to staying in love. What if I could tell you that, not only can your long term relationship or your marriage have the wisdom of a rooted love, but also have that rush of falling in love? Sold, right? I thought you would be.
Here are 4 essentials to staying rooted in love:
1.Stay Curious
It is easy to assume that once you and your partner have been together for a long time, that you run out of things to learn about each other. This can’t be further from the truth. There's still so much to uncover and learn, whether together for two years or twenty. Dr. John and Julie Gottman at the Gottman Institute place emphasis on building your Love Maps; that is, understanding and constantly updating your understanding of your partner’s world. The key is remembering that the longer you know a person, the more you can fill in detail about their love maps. When you enjoy deep knowledge of one another you are better prepared to cope with the inevitable challenges of life together. Check out this link for an exercise in updating your love maps: https://newpathcentre.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/build-love-maps-love-map-exercise.pdf
2. Stay Adventurous
Over the course of your relationship, it's very easy to fall into a comfortable routine with your partner, but over time, it can lead to stagnation. When we feel stagnate in our relationship we say things like “we aren’t fun anymore” and we fall into the trap of thinking that love is lost and, for some, might lead them to think they need something new. The truth is, the grass isn’t greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it! So, when we try new things or are spontaneous as a couple, and as individuals, it creates a sense of novelty and excitement within our lives and our relationship. Nothing curbs stagnation quite like taking some time to learn something new together, or share something new you’re trying out individually. We can all use a little spark to reignite the positive regard and FUN in our relationship. So play, be spontaneous, try something new and live a little!
3. Stay Intentional
Remember when you and your partner first started dating – dates were carefully planned, quality time was a top priority and your phone was nowhere in sight. For some reason, we have developed the notion that once we have our spouse/partner, that we are no longer required to pursue our partner. We often describe falling in love to be “natural,” easy and organic, but staying in love is an active choice that requires daily purpose, commitment and intentionality; the act of showing up for your partner, not always with the fancy dates (although those are necessary, too) but through genuine support and collaborating with one another as teammates as you navigate the ups, downs and mundane nature of life and love. Intentional lovers will acknowledge that long-lasting love does not require perfectionism, but showing up for one another in honest and open ways.
4. Stay Intimate
When we posture our heart to remain open to our partner, we set our relationship up for success. Intimacy, or what we like to denote as “into-me-you-see,” is far more than just physical. Intimacy is emotional, spiritual, intellectual, but most importantly, intimacy is the practice of remaining vulnerable with your partner. When we can share ourselves, our needs, wants and desires openly with our partner and it is received with kindness, we are not only more willing to reciprocate but feel safe and secure within ourselves and within the relationship. Continue to provide one another a safe space to be authentically yourselves.
Incorporating these four elements into your daily and weekly routine with your partner can help nurture your relationship, ignite passion and help to support a long lasting love.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.