What is an Emotional Affair?
Emotional affairs may be more common than we realize. An emotional affair involves having non-sexual emotional intimacy with someone who is not your romantic and committed partner. An emotional affair generally starts innocently enough as a friendship. While some common dialogues in our world reject the idea that an emotional affair is harmful when a sexual relationship is absent, most marriage and relationship experts view it as a form of cheating. A platonic friendship can evolve into an emotional affair when boundaries are crossed. (1) (2)
Amira Johnson, a mental and behavioral health expert at Berman Psychotherapy, Atlanta, states “Most people who commit emotional infidelity are not intentionally trying to… If a person feels that their significant other does not value them, or have time for them, they will seek that feeling elsewhere. They may invest in a friendship that gives them that support or emotional affection, which unintentionally leads to the brewing of feelings.” (3) This is a complex topic, so how can one decipher if their friendship has turned into an emotional affair?
Thoughts
Have you become so close to the friend that during conversations with your partner, you are imagining what the friend would say or feel? This may indicate that they have become more important to you than your partner.
Wishing and Confidences
If you come to idealize the friend and think they are preferable to your partner, or they would be a better partner, this is likely sabotaging your relationship with your partner. Comparing or wishing your partner was more like someone else is fuel to emotional affairs. One of the most damaging aspects of an emotional affair is when you begin to share confidences with the friend, believing your friend understands you better. Lack of loyalty to your partner is incredibly damaging to your partner and relationship.
Fantasizing?
Daydreaming about what it would be like to be with that friend suggests you’re already establishing an emotional relationship with them. The more you fantasize about the possibility of starting a new relationship with a friend, the more you’re likely to withdraw from your current relationship. Even if you don’t leave your partner, imagining being with somebody else distances you from your partner.
Secrets and Lying
One key characteristic of emotional affairs is the need to hide your relationship with your friend from your primary partner. Keeping secrets reduces your emotional closeness and increases confrontations. Imagine what your partner would think if they overheard you talking with your friend or read your emails to them. Do you ever worry about this happening? Such a worry can suggest your relationship with your friend is inappropriate. Keeping secrets from your partner damages your relationship. If you have to tell your partner lies to facilitate or maintain your relationship with your friend, or engage in secret communications, phone calls, texts, or emails, this is an emotional affair.
The Rush
Do you remember the rush of excitement you used to feel with your partner? If messages from your “friend” start to give you that same rush of excitement, you are moving dangerously close to turning that friendship into an affair.
Even if you haven’t acted on it
Have you ever felt a craving for something? Remember how hard it is to say no to that temptation? If you are starting to feel sexual attraction when you’re around your friend, you’ve moved into a high-risk area. Even if you never actually engage in physical sex, your friendship has become a source of mental and sexual stimulation.
Reduced sex drive with your partner
Suppose your relationship with your friend has reduced your sexual desire for your partner, or results in a lower drive to spend time being emotionally close to your partner. In that case, your friend is taking on an increasingly more significant role in your life.
Are photo exchanges part of your new, hidden life?
Exchanging sexually explicit photos, or those that make you look attractive, is often the last stop on the trail of emotional affairs. Emotional affairs can eventually lead to sexual infidelity. (1) (2)
Questions to Ask Yourself
If you have a close friendship that you think may have crossed the line into an emotional affair, consider asking yourself the following questions (2) :
Are you experiencing repetitive hostility and conflict in your marriage?
Do you feel an emotional distance from your spouse?
Do you find it difficult to talk with your spouse?
Are you sharing more with your friend than you are with your spouse?
Do you think your friend understands you better than your spouse?
Are you sexually attracted to your friend?
Is the phrase, "We're just friends," your rationalization for your close friendship?
Does your spouse know about the friendship or the depth of your friendship?
Do you look forward to being with your friend more than being with your spouse?
When you talk about your day, do you avoid talking about your interactions with this friend? (2)
Protecting Your Relationship
Since the general expectation in relationships is to exclusively share emotional AND physical intimacy, it is important to work together to define which interactions cross the line into emotional affairs, particularly in our highly digital world. (3)
Being supportive of one another.
Communicating daily about everything( practical issues, plans, events, personal feelings.)
Regular dates and one-on-one time, creating ways to have quality time
Learning how to engage in healthy conflict.
Repairing hurts quickly and genuinely.
Resources
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.