Rekindling Intimacy and Passion in your Relationship
Anyone who knows me, knows I am always a sucker for a good rom-com movie: When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, You’ve Got Mail (I may be partial to Meg Ryan). You can catch me glued to the screen waiting to hear, and recite, famous lines like:
“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - When Harry Met Sally (1989)
Or
"It was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together, and I knew it. I knew it the first time I touched her. It was like coming home, only to no home I'd ever known. I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew it… It was like magic." - Sleepless in Seattle (1993)
(Sigh…)
No matter how many times I have seen it, no matter how many different ways Hollywood re-vamps the same old meet-cute, I am all for watching couples fall in love… and I know I am not the only one. So, what is it about these movies that leave us so captivated? Simple: We love the idea of falling in love – That “can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff, right?” (It Takes Two, 1995).
In other words, they capture the infamous “honeymoon stage" of a relationship. In his article on the three phases of love, John Gottman defines this first phase of love as: limerence (or falling in love). A phase “characterized by physical symptoms (flushing, trembling, palpitations), excitement, intrusive thinking, obsession, fantasy, sexual excitement, and the fear of rejection.”
Let’s be real, the limerence phase is usually where our favorite rom-com movies start and end; rarely do we get to see the loving couple move into the other phase of their lives (and their relationship).
We know that in order for the relationship to continue, it must move into Phase 2: Building Trust and Phase 3: Building Commitment and Loyalty. It is only human in our long-term relationships to desire elements of the limerence phase, and most specifically, the passion and intimacy. The beautiful thing is, we can rekindle the passion and intimacy without all the awkwardness and obsession of the limerence phase (win-win-win!). Below are four ways to bring back the passion in your relationship:
1. Practice emotional attunement
A relationship's superpower is emotional attunement! To attune to something means to become harmonious, to make aware or responsive to something. To emotionally attune is our ability to connect with our partner on a deeper level or ability to sit in someone’s inner world. Attunement allows you to see the world through your partner’s eyes and walk in their shoes. When you do this, you empathize with your partner, listening to and observing their emotional cues, creating a deeper sense of connection.
Sometimes we say, “get emotionally naked.” That is to say, show and share your vulnerabilities with your partner so that you can be fully present with your partner in an emotional space. If you understand your emotions, you can better understand and pick up on your partner’s.
When we feel seen and understood, we feel closer, safer, and more intimately connected to our partner. A great way to emotionally attune is to ask one another open-ended questions. That is, “if you ask questions that require only a yes or no answer, you are destroying conversations before they even have a chance to begin. You are accidentally slamming the door that you are trying to open. This door is labeled ‘Intimacy.’ Instead of ‘Did you watch that movie?’ ask, ‘What was your favorite part?’” (Gottman on Emotional Intimacy)
2. Make intimacy a priority
The older we get and the longer our relationship/marriage, the more our daydreams and attention goes to other areas of our life, instead of one another. Whether it’s worrying about getting that work project completed, getting kids to basketball practice, or getting caught up on our favorite netflix show, romance and intimacy does not come so easily as it did when you first started dating and can often show up as the last thing to do on our “to do list” (maybe it doesn’t even make the list!). Have an open conversation with your partner about ways to prioritize intimacy into your life such as increasing date nights, learning something new together, or committing to a rule of no TV on in the bedroom after 9 pm. Make intimacy a priority by changing your routine and habits that have you stuck in a rut.
3. Increase affectionate touch
While sexual touch is important, non-sexual physical contact appears to have unique benefits. Affectionate touch, something as simple as holding hands or extending a kiss, can occur daily and have amazing benefits to the health of your relationship. According to author Dr. Kory Floyd, “holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin causing a calming sensation” – a great way of relieving the cortisol (a stress hormone) that has built up over a long and busy work day (Gottman on Rekindling Passion).
Furthermore, one of John Gottman’s research findings is that which he calls the 6 second kiss. As we go about our busy day, often a kiss becomes nothing more than a brief greeting or goodbye. When we stop and lengthen the kiss (6 seconds, or more) we give the opportunity to feel present with our partner and create a stronger moment of connection.
4. Date one another
Too often there are some in a relationship who have a faulty belief system that courtship and dating is only for the early years (limerence). When we are in the limerence phase, like we see in all the aforementioned rom-coms above, we date, we flirt, we woo, in effort to connect with one another. Somewhere we have landed on this idea that once we have done that, tied the knot, and had the kids, it’s suddenly no longer important to date one another like we did early on. Nothing could be further from the truth. Carving out sacred time (reference number 2) to pursue your partner is crucial to long-term satisfaction within the relationship. Pro tip: Do something fun or different together and watch the sparks fly!
Here are a few fun date nights to get you out of your comfort zone:
Paint-and-sip
Laser Tag
Dancing/Cooking lessons
Going to listen to live music
Or you can check out the cool and positively reviewed The Adventure Challenge: Couples Edition for a fun book of scratch-off date ideas (The Adventure Challenge).
It may sound cliche, but it’s totally okay if you fall in love with your partner all over again during the process.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.