Discovery, Trickle Truths, and Lying in Addiction
Why This Hurts So Much-and Why It Keeps Hurting
For many people, the discovery of an affair or addiction to pornography happens in a phase of life when life is busy and full. Careers are being built, relationships are deepening, finances are shared, and for some, children or long-term plans are in the picture. When betrayal trauma happens in this season of life, the moment of discovery can feel especially destabilizing.
Discovery often isn't dramatic or planned. It might happen late at night while scrolling through a shared phone plan, noticing money missing from a joint account, stumbling across messages, or sensing that something has been "off" for a long time. When the truth finally surfaces, many describe it as more than heartbreak-it feels like the ground underneath everyday life suddenly gives way.
It's Dismantling
Healthy and adaptive relationships are built on shared responsibility and mutual reliance. Discovery doesn't just reveal a betrayal; it disrupts a sense of safety that life has been organized around. People commonly report thinking, Was any of this real? How long has this been going on? What else don't I know? Clinically, this reaction makes sense. Discovery activates the brain's threat system. The betrayal isn't only about behavior-it's about realizing that your understanding of your partner, your relationship, and sometimes your own intuition may have been compromised.
Trickle Truth
After discovery, many hope the worst is over once "everything is out." Instead, new information often comes out slowly. Details change. Timelines shift. What sounded small becomes much bigger.
This pattern, known as trickle truth, keeps people stuck in survival mode and their nervous system on edge. For someone juggling work deadlines, parenting, and daily responsibilities, this ongoing uncertainty can feel exhausting. The mind stays on high alert, constantly scanning for the next revelation. Sleep suffers. Focus drops. Emotional reactions feel harder to control.
Healing becomes nearly impossible when the truth feels incomplete.
Why Lie?
Lying in addiction is extremely common in addiction, and it often confuses partners who think, If you cared about me, why couldn't you just tell the truth? From a clinical standpoint, lying is usually not about a lack of care. It's a coping strategy driven by fear, shame, and survival.
Common reasons include:
1. Shame and fear of judgment
Admitting addiction or compulsive behavior can feel like admitting failure, which fuels secrecy: "I'm supposed to have it all figured out by now".
2. Avoiding conflict and loss
These are attempts to avoid arguments, protect the relationship, or prevent real-life consequences like separation, financial fallout, or loss of trust.
3. Believing they are protecting their partner
Some genuinely think that withholding details will spare their partner pain, especially when life already feels stressful and full.
4. Denial and self-deception
People in addiction are often lying to themselves as much as to others, minimizing the seriousness of the problem to avoid facing it.
5. Changes in the brain
Addiction rewires the brain to prioritize the "next hit", behavior, or escape. In that state, lying, hiding, or rationalizing can feel necessary, even when it conflicts with personal values.
Understanding this helps explain why deception happens, but it does not make it harmless. Repeated deception deeply impacts a person's sense of reality. Many partners begin to question their memory, instincts, and emotional responses. They may feel anxious checking bank accounts, devices, or schedules-not because they want to, but because their nervous system no longer feels safe.
The addict, or other concerned loved ones, may see these types of responses in a person with betrayal trauma and think their partner is just being controlling. This is not "being controlling." It is a trauma response to ongoing uncertainty.
The LifeStar Program Can Help
For the betrayed partner
You are not overreacting to needing clarity. Healing requires truth. Support from betrayal-informed therapists and peer communities can help stabilize emotions and rebuild a sense of self-trust. Boundaries matter. You cannot love someone into honesty or recovery. In ongoing situations, a structured therapeutic disclosure may provide the containment and honesty needed to move forward. Encouraging your partner's treatment, setting clear expectations, and seeking your own support are healthier than monitoring or managing another adult's behavior.
For the partner struggling with addiction
Recovery requires more than stopping a behavior. It requires ending secrecy. Honesty, especially when uncomfortable, is essential for rebuilding trust. Professional support can help address shame, accountability, and the skills needed to live differently. You have already discovered you cannot stop this on your own, and the last thing you need is isolation. As uncomfortable and time-consuming as it may be, you deserve to know yourself without this addiction and habitual secrecy.
You Are Stronger Than You Know
"In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer," was said by the French philosopher and author Albert Camus, which emphasizes that resilience and inner strength are found even (or maybe even especially) in hardship. Discovery and trickle truth are uniquely painful because it perpetuates both the trauma for the one and self-deception for the other. While understanding addiction and lying provides context, healing begins when secrecy ends. Safety is rebuilt through consistent honesty, accountability, and time. With the right support, it is possible to heal individually and relationally-even after profound betrayal.
References
Bergman, G. B. (2022) Truth and Lies in Addiction: https://counselormagazine.com/article/truth-and-lies-in-addiction/
The Blackberry Center: This is Why Addicts Lie: https://www.theblackberrycenter.com/dont-take-it-personally-heres-why-addicts-lie/
Zola, Susan (2026) Discovery and Trickle Truths: Understanding the Shock and Ongoing Pain of Betrayal Trauma: https://susanzola.com/discovery-and-trickle-truths/
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.
