7 Ways to Know You're in Love and Not Just Infatuated
Short lived junior high crushes and grandparents holding hands are two images that come to mind when thinking about infatuation and love. What feelings or memories instantly come to your mind when you hear those terms?
“You complete me” is an emotional sentiment Tom Cruise's character says to Renée Zellweger’s character in the 1996 movie Jerry Maguire. Many of us were raised watching romantic movies or reading romance novels depicting love at first sight or a couple that rides off into the sunset together after defeating insurmountable obstacles who have made their love find a way. However, these influences can complicate and negatively impact our beliefs and expectations of what love is supposed to look and feel like, such as where we need to feel we are completed by another person, needing instant sexual chemistry, to find our soulmate, experience love at first sight and so on. These influences and images are harmful imposters for love and confuse how we can discern love from infatuation.
As humans we all have a desire to be loved and to love in return. This is a normal human need. We are so in love with the word love (I ‘love’ that group, I ‘love’ this ice cream, I’m so in ‘love’) that it can become overused and lose its meaning often confused with infatuation when it comes to romantic love. How do you know when you are in genuine love and not just infatuated?
Characteristics of infatuation:
Many relationships start with infatuation; an instant, physical, out of control feeling that is usually short-lived and wears off; i.e. jr. high school crush, the latest and greatest boyband etc.
Infatuation is glitter and rainbows. It at times is too good to be true, showy with no depth, fades away and is shallow.
Often infatuation is about the feeling of being in love and the idea of love or ‘I want you’ vs. ‘I love you’.
Infatuation is passive based on belief of destiny/fate in not having control over your emotion or future, “it was destiny” or “if it’s meant to be it will be” are believed.
At times in infatuation the support group in you and your partners lives made up of friends and family may see ‘red flags’ in your relationship and not approve of it or the other person.
Often in a relationship based on infatuation depth is not happening and it stays in a surface shallow area of “what can they do for me” mentality.
Characteristics of love:
Love is at times grey skies and thunder. There is fortitude, stamina and a commitment for the good times and bad.
Love is participatory and collaborative. Being in love with a person vs in love with a feeling. Each partner is in control of their own emotions and in the relationship not expecting the other partner to meet all their needs or to complete them.
It may begin with infatuation and/or friendship and healthy committed love grows from that place. The love matures.
It is about ‘I love you’ vs ‘I want you’ loving the other person's flaws and all way beyond the initial physical attractions. Putting someone else’s needs before yours. This is selfless love where you are not only thinking of your own needs but that of your partners is a priority as well.
Wanting to put in the effort and time to make the communication work when there is a conflict or disagreement. ‘I love you vs I want you’. In love with a person. investing in the relationship, in the future with this person. Wanting to put in the hard work. Willing to work through problems.
Love is not jealous. It is freeing. Encouraging the other person to have their own identity outside of the other partner, their own friends and interests.
Most times in a relationship based in love the support group in you and your partners lives made up of friends and family will most likely approve of it and the other person.
7 Ways to Know You're in Love and Not Just Infatuated:
LOVE: Shared similar values and beliefs are present that connect you and your partner or an openness to those.
Start a conversation with your partner sharing one another’s views of what their definition of love and infatuation are. If you feel you are having to change your values and beliefs for another person or you are trying to change theirs then this is most likely not love. Ask yourself is this love or infatuation?
LOVE: Take time to observe one another in different areas of life; with their family, with your family, with one another's friends.
How do they treat service staff and waitresses? Are their actions and behaviors consistent in each place or do they act differently? Do you make excuses for their behaviors? Ask yourself is this love or infatuation?
LOVE: Personal growth is encouraged in one another.
Are you both individually evolving and maturing at the same pace as your partner and do they encourage that growth or are they jealous over it? If there is jealousy ask yourself why and is this a healthy pattern and relationship goal? Ask yourself; Is this love or infatuation?
LOVE: In a healthy relationship where two individuals are self-aware and growing in themselves, there also should be natural growth and progression in the relationship together.
Has the relationship grown from the initial infatuation and attraction into a more consistent, stable, trusting, evolving relationship or is it stalled and stagnant? If so, in what specific areas and why? Ask yourself; Is this love or infatuation?
LOVE: How do you resolve conflict?
Can you have disagreements and conflict? Can you see your partner's character weaknesses and faults? A healthy love is seeing the other person's weaknesses and still loving them. Infatuation is not believing they have any weaknesses or faults. How do you and your partner approach conflict? Having mutual respect, rules of how you will and will not handle conflict and goals of resolution in mind are important. Equally as important is not avoiding conflict or disagreements but both viewing this as being empowering, freeing and safe to share one's own thoughts and feelings without reprimand, rebuke or repercussions. Being your true authentic selves and knowing the other person will still accept you. Do you find yourself or your partner avoiding conflict or speaking up for fear of being your true authentic self for fear of being berated or laughed at? If you feel you have to agree with your partner all the time for fear of their behaviors then ask yourself is this healthy and does this fit your definition of love or infatuation?
INFATUATION (or obsession): Do you or your partner have a “mine” mentality of not wanting to share you with anything or anyone?
This can initially seem romantic but with time can lead to controlling and obsessive unhealthy behaviors such as feeling controlled, isolated and having to get their permission to go places, to do activities, and see friends and family. They often do not allow the other to do these or make you feel guilty for not spending time with them. Initially this may seem like the other person cares for you based out of deep love and passion but these controlling, manipulative and shaming behaviors are not healthy and lean toward obsessive relational patterns and behaviors such as verbal, emotional, mental and physical abuse. What does your intuition and your “gut” say about these behaviors? Ask yourself are these behaviors and feelings love or infatuation?
INFATUATION: Feeling like your significant other “completes you”.
In the Jerry Maguire movie Tom Cruise states “you complete me”. While it is nice to feel needed and this sentiment seems very romantic it also reinforces the internal belief that one is somehow defective, incomplete and not of worth without the other. A healthy viewpoint would be that a person can be enriched by a relationship but does not need it or another person to be complete in themselves. A complete person is one who is enough and whole in themselves and can complement one another and enhance their lives and that of the relationship.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.