What does it mean to be defensive?

When we are defensive, effective communication stops. Let’s consider what it means to be defensive. When someone is defensive they:

  • Make up excuses

  • Criticism or attack

  • Sarcastic

  • Blame: “It’s not my fault, if you hadn’t ___”

  • Complain instead of taking responsibility for their part

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How To Stop Being Defensive:

  1. Paying attention to what you are feeling physically can help you to recognize defensiveness. Our body has a physical reaction to a perceived attack. Most likely your body feels tense and you start thinking about what you can say back as a defense.

  2. Take a deep breath and remember that you are not in a battle!

  3. Just listen without thinking about what you are going to say next.

  4. When your partner has finished speaking, repeat what you heard and ask if you understood correctly. "If I heard you correctly, you are saying ..."

  5. If your partner becomes defensive, ask yourself if there was / is a better way to send your message.

When we are not defensive:

  • We assume responsibility for our part

  • We sincerely recognize our mistakes and apologize

  • We seek solutions to problems together

  • We agree to make changes and then do it

  • We recognize the feelings of our partner.

Remember "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." (Steven R Covey). No one is perfect at managing their defensive responses but consciously working on it helps us have better relationships. The more you work at being non-defensive, the better you'll get at it!

Here's a great and entertaining 3 minute video that illustrates this topic:

Stacey B. Thacker, MA, LMFT
Stacey B. Thacker, MA, LMFT #43024, is a licensed marriage and family therapist with over two decades of experience specializing in grief, traumatic loss, food addiction, and PTSD. As a presenter, author, and cofounder of Roubicek and Thacker Counseling, she brings deep empathy and expertise to her work with individuals, families, and fellow therapists. Stacey is also the author of Supporting Others from Heartache to Hope and My Food Addiction Recovery Plan, and a longtime facilitator of healing workshops for helping professionals.
https://roubicekandthacker.com/stacey-thacker
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