Let’s Teach Kids How to Be Angry
Let’s face it… children spend most of their lives playing by rules that they are often too young to understand. Especially when it comes to what kind of emotions are allowed. Instead of telling our kids not to be mad, let’s start teaching them how to be mad.
Just like telling an angry adult to “calm down” or “don’t be angry” doesn’t cure their anger, the same is true for children. This type of response to anger only forces us to dimmish a valid emotion that we all experience from time to time. The invalidation and squashing of that anger does not help with emotion regulation, but teaches us to shame or question ourselves whenever we feel something.
Anger is an emotion that is important to the human experience, it tells us when we are being wronged, it is charged with self-compassion and self-empowerment, and it is a feeling that we need to learn how to regulate and control, but also learn how to experience.
During these moments we want to avoid statements that are invalidating to our child’s experience. Just because they’re angry over something different than what may make a parent angry, doesn’t mean that their anger is invalid! Avoiding these statements will set a foundation that you are someone they can feel safe opening up to, and they won’t feel worried that they will be made fun of, or shut down, based on what is making them feel a certain way.
Avoid statements such as:
“Don’t be mad, it doesn’t matter that much!”
“There is no need to get this angry over something so silly!”
“It’s only …… you should not be angry over that.”
When your child is angry (YES, even when they are angry at you!), this is an opportunity. Instead, consider some of these productive alternatives.
Take a moment to notice their anger and validate their emotion
“It sounds like there is something making you angry, it is okay to be mad, but we need to be able to communicate about what is making you feel this way.”
Set boundaries around any unsafe behaviors
“It is okay to be angry, it is even okay to be angry at me! But it is not okay to hit or scream.”
Self-Regulate
This is the most important step! Whenever your child experiences their anger create an intense angry reaction in you, it can lead to a lot of other unwanted side effects. When your child is angry, take a moment to take a deep calming breath and slow your heart rate, keep your voice calm and exceptionally kind. Modeling this kind of emotion regulation sets an amazing example for exactly what you are asking of your child! It is also a physiological tool that helps them feel calmer with you.
Redirect
If a child is hitting or screaming, after you have regulated your emotional response, tell your child, “I am calm and ready to listen to you when you are ready to be safe with me, yelling and hitting is not safe communication, you cannot hit me, and when you are ready to be safe together, we can talk this through.”
Affirm your love and empathy
It is okay that you are having big emotions, and I love you so much. It is safe to feel that anger and I am here with you to help work through it.”
Later on in the day… process what happened together!
Have an open conversation with your child about what triggered the intense anger and how it can be expressed and validated in the future. Share stories of times when you as the parent may have been angry and what you did to help self-regulate in order to continue with your goals.
Together we can build emotionally resilient and aware kids!
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.