Could Couples Therapy Make a Relationship Worse?
Jim and Pam (yes, think of them like they are from The Office) are exploring the idea of setting up their first couples therapy appointment. They have noticed changes to their intimacy and communication over the years through various life changes and relationship highs and lows. Pam brings up couples therapy, Jim is open to the idea, but two questions come to mind:
“Could couples therapy make things worse?”
“Are we too healthy for couples therapy?”
If you are in a relationship and have explored the idea of scheduling a couples therapy appointment, these looming questions are valid and justified. To ease your worries, let’s discuss both in more detail.
Could couples therapy make our relationship worse?
We have all seen it happen in shows and movies. The arguing (*gasp* doomed) couple goes to a couples therapist as a last resort, and before you know it, the couple is storming out, dismissing the therapist and either calling it quits or completely ignoring the red flags or concerns pointed out by the therapist in the hopes of helping. No wonder people worry that couples therapy could potentially do more harm than good. (Side Note: Do therapists all really wear glasses and cardigans? Maybe. Do we do more than nod and shake our heads? Definitely yes.)
Long story short: No, couples therapy won’t make things worse, but there will be hard conversations/sessions. Researcher John Gottman noted that the average couple waits 6 years before seeking help for marital problems. A big indicator of couples therapy success is the active presence of two partners who are willing to enter into the space and acknowledge the difficulties or take accountability for discourse or contention within the relationship. When couples dance around big problems/points of contention in the relationship, the problem(s) only become a monster that ends up sucking the life and love from the relationship. For many that have danced too long around issues, they may feel that the only way the relationship can be sustained is by continuing to not discuss the monster(s).
The truth is, shining a light on relationship difficulties is the only way to truly work through them.
Do Healthy Couples Attend Couples Therapy?
A big misconception about both couples and individual therapy sessions is that many believe that therapies are only for people with real or BIG problems. The reality is, in human relationships, there is always an opportunity to deepen connection, improve communication, and receive support through life/relationship highs and lows.
Think of your therapist or therapy in general like a mechanic for your car. If you disregard that pesky check engine light or forget to get an oil change, you could end up with your car breaking down on the side of the road with the mechanic telling you that the car is way past fixing. However, if you do routine maintenance to your car, it will run smoothly, remain reliable/dependable, and maybe reduce identifying and stopping bigger problems from emerging in the future. The same is true for couples and relationships– address the struggles sooner rather than later.
One of the most proactive things a couple can do is attend therapy to support emotional expression, increase intimacy, and identify/explore perpetual conflicts that, while they may seem small and manageable now, could potentially cause deeper problems/resentment in the future.
Couples therapy is a great way for you and your partner to:
Navigate new life changes/transitions (first-time parenthood, empty-nesting, recent engagement, moving to a new town, etc.)
Increase emotional connectedness and vulnerability
Learn how to communicate during conflict:
Frequent bickering or arguing
Conflict avoidance (not talking about issues)
Process infidelity and broken trust
Restore intimacy, fondness, and admiration
Explore the next step in the relationship and/or the expectations
Breaking up v. staying together
Blended families
Family planning, retirement, cultural differences
Relationship with in-laws, etc.
The great news is, according to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, more than 75% of patients receiving marriage or couples counseling report an improvement in the couple's relationship after therapy.
If you’re ready to move past your fears about couples therapy, then it’s time to reach out to a couples therapist here at Roubicek and Thacker. We are ready to support you and your partner in creating a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.