9 Characteristics of Healthy Relationships
It takes effort and practice, with a bit of trial and error, to have a healthy relationship. Here are 9 characteristics of healthy relationships to keep in mind.
1. Set realistic expectations
Setting realistic expectations is important. If you expect everything to always be romantic or “Fifty Shades of Grey” hot and passionate, never arguing about the dirty dishes, socks on the floor or whose family is coming over for dinner, then that is not a very real and authentic expectation. Understanding what impacts your relationship and the actions of yourself and your partner in the busyness of the day is important. One practical idea many couples exercise in their relationships is having weekly or monthly board meetings where mundane life administration things like schedules, finances and planning is taken care of. This is a separate time from a date. It’s a different kind of date. The idea is that there is still connection and communication happening. Many couples keep digital calendars so they always know what’s going on for each person. This is not to track or control the other person but it is in the spirit of keeping realistic expectations of the day to day load and activities each are in and keep home life running a bit more smoothly. Sharing daily plans with one another can help to increase the emotional connection between you as you hopefully feel included in one another’s lives and can each do your part in your partnership.
2. Communicate through words
The Gottman Institute has found that as long as there are five positive interactions for every negative interaction, a couple can have a stable and happy relationship over time. Examples of positive interactions are giving a compliment, showing appreciation, doing something nice for your partner or reliving a fun memory. Happy healthy couples talk more. According to research from Happify Health people in the most successful marriages spend 5 more hours a week being together and talking. Communication is a key to any relationship. Being able to express your own feelings, to say how you feel and ask for what you want is important in being able to let your partner know where you are without expecting them to read your mind. Using “I” statements makes it possible to express emotions and for others to receive your message in a clear and constructive manner. Here are some examples: “I feel”… Use feeling words to express emotions. Be aware of your nonverbal communication (tone and body language).
“I need”… Telling others what you need lets them help you. For ex: “I need help.” Or “I need time.” Or “I need to talk.”
“I want” To express your inner world of thoughts and feelings and what your needs are. Example: “I feel sad” or “I don’t feel like you understand me right now” or “I feel blamed.” important at the same time to show empathy to your partner by being aware, present and loving of their emotions, perspective and how they feel.
3. Communicate through Actions: Listening to Understand
However don’t just say how you feel, show it in your actions as well. Practice the art of active listening. When your partner speaks, listen to understand, not to fix which often leads to defensiveness, shut down and isolation. Listen with presence and compassion, make eye contact, reply back what you’ve heard, ask clarifying questions, and do not interrupt the other while they are speaking. Most of the time your partner wants empathy, understanding and connection, not fixing or solutions. Listening to understand, embracing empathy and vulnerability are important factors for a healthy relationship. Are you seen, valued, and heard and can you see, value and hear your partner?
4. Communicate through Physical Intimacy
Happy and healthy couples and relationships make time for physical intimacy. According to the article by Happify Health on “The Science Behind a Happy Relationship” the happiest couples have sex once a week. However more frequent sex does not equal more happiness. Although expressing your love for one another on a sexual level is very important to a romantic relationship, intimacy is much more than sex.
5. Communicating through Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is a feeling of closeness and connection with someone while also being seen, known and understood. It requires vulnerability, empathy, a high level of trust and good communication skills. Dr. Brene Brown in her book The Gifts of Imperfection defines connection as “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued. When they can give and receive without judgement, and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” Signs of emotional intimacy are: a feeling of safety and trust in your relationship, physical affection and warmth, feeling that you know each other on a deep, meaningful level, a sense of fun, playfulness, and shared humor and a willingness to communicate and share your inner worlds.
6. Give one another space, freedom
In healthy relationships partners are able to remain an individual inside the relationship. An emotionally healthy partner spends time investing not only in the relationship and their partner but also in themselves. They value their independence and their partners as well and feel supported to pursue their own goals. Healthy partners in healthy relationships encourage one another’s growth and individuality. Healthy relationships do not exist in isolation to the rest of our lives. For a fulfilling relationship, you need a fulfilling life outside of your partner because your partner cannot meet, nor is meant to meet, all of your needs. Healthy relationships allow for each partner to learn to meet their own needs, to self-soothe, and not look to their partner for everything. Having multiple sources for emotional nourishment; friends, therapy, hobbies, etc. is crucial. When you are fulfilled in other areas of your life outside your partner and the relationship then you are happier and healthier in your relationship. What are ways you can become more connected and fulfilled in your life without looking to your partner to bear that sole responsibility?
7. Conflict Resolution - Practice makes perfect
Can you and your partner take accountability and apologize for poor behavior taking responsibility for the wrongdoing? Example: “I really blew it. Let me try again” or “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” Healthy partners in healthy relationships are genuinely able to apologize and accept an apology without disrespecting the other person, punishing, or gaslighting.
Are you and your partner self aware and can empathize with the other person? Every person and couple has a conflict style. When happy couples fight, they tend to defuse the tension by showing humor, expressing affection and seeing their partners' points of view. Unhappy couples tend to criticize, show contempt, roll their eyes, act defensively, resort to name calling and tune out. Healthy partners in healthy relationships see conflict as healthy and work at regulating their own emotions, feel confident to disagree and have their own opinion as they each put in effort to resolve conflict. Healthy relationships try to effectively settle disagreements and seek to practice respect even when disagreeing or angry. Improve your communication and conflict skills so that difficult conversations end up bringing you closer together, not further apart. Practice turning conflict into connection, connection that leads to emotional intimacy. Examples; “Let’s take a break and come back in an hour to talk about this.” Or “let’s agree to disagree here” or “my part of this problem is…” Focus on the problem, not the person. Use reflective listening, use “I” statements such as “I feel hurt when you don’t tell me you’ll be late” vs. “you never tell me when you’re going to be late.”Know when to take a time out and work toward a resolution.
8. Creating Sharing Meaning
Developing the big and small rituals that help build connection with your partner is another characteristic of a happy relationship. Prioritize quality time together that feels fun, joyful and exciting whatever the activity is. It’s less about the activity and more about experiencing excitement together. Go on dates, try new things, have a sense of humor, watch favorite tv shows together or YouTube videos, send funny memes via text to one another throughout the day when appropriate. All these are ways of connecting. Learn to have fun and laugh together. Connection rituals are less about the actions and more about the fact that you are prioritizing time with one another in meaningful ways.
9. Nurture Fondness and Admiration
Express appreciation to your spouse in the way that means the most to them not to you. Your needs are different then your partners and vice versa. Actively look for the things you appreciate about your partner and your relationship, and then tell them how their actions and their qualities or values impact you, how it contributes to you and why exactly you appreciate it. Example; “Thanks for taking out the trash. It makes my life so much easier knowing that I don’t have to deal with the smell, mess and dirt.” Or “I appreciate how much effort you put into raising our kids. I think you’re an amazing parent, and I love how much you prioritize their wellbeing.”
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.